. . . Down The Rabbit Hole We Go . . .

sick as a fucked duck

2010-11-21T22:11:00.000-08:00

HOLY SHIT I have a halfway dissected old mans testicles in my throat and I can't swallow a thing... yes that sounds dirty but its what I get when I get tonsillitis and they've swelled up to the point where I could barely breathe and going to the ER would have been the next step to drain them.
That is what they look like. No joke!
How disgusting is that?!
How awesome is it that I'm all doped up on all kinds of drugs?!
Good trade :)

2010-11-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

how the fuck am I suppose to catch up to you when you steal my drinks bitch?

11/6/10

2010-11-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'm blazed and have to write because thats what I do right? Write my fucking ass off on useless bits that will never be read. I wish I could simply say that "In front of you sits useless pieces of parchment and ink unless read" but I can't because there isn't even a tree to kill to make that possible. No these are mere 10010110110101011 of a Helen Keller binary code that will most likely be stuck in some random file somewhere that will soon be deleted. Unless the world goes extinct from a zombie attack and some other race finds this planet and decides to read our shit. Then maybe I could enlighten some bottom end staff average joe on some alien race planet.

Through the up hill battle, through blood sweat and tears I make my way into the unknown of tomorrow just to fall asleep and do it again another day. Fingers gripping onto the crumbling rocks of a history of bad decisions just to make it to the top of what? A desolate mess of insecurity and lack of confidence will stand under the feet of the men who trotted here before and the only thing we have left to watch are the scrambling others of our generations trying to make sense of the not-so-simple world our parents once lived in now.
With everything at our finger tips we hardly "quest" for anything any more. In two seconds, google will find your shit and get you what you want right then. With satisfaction like that, how do relationships even begin to follow? When one asks themselves if who they are talking to is "horny", just biased on the sheer fact that two smiley faces were implied rather than the regular one. Immediate satisfaction with everything around you but the time and effort it takes to merely show them how you feel about them can compare. It's the time and effort of seeing their body language and facial reactions to really really know that they understand what is trying to come across.

2010-11-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

Right place at the right time?
Decided to take victoria home last night and took state street instead of the freeway. Laughing blazed and a bit tipsy I get her to her friends house to pick up her car. We are making out in the front seat and she gets a call from her friend.
"Husbands kicking out the kids, I need you to pick them up - he's drunk."
I'm figuring Victoria still and I'm in a situation I know that I can calm down if I talk to the guy but I'm not sure if she does. From what she's given me of being so shy, I'm not sure what to do.
"Stay right here", she says with a smile and a reassuring hand, "I'll talk to him" and she gets out.
"Victoria - my motherly instincts are going off! I'm going to be standing right outside the garage if you need ANYTHING!" I say.
She kisses me with out saying a word then slips through the back gate.
Chain smoking begins and I'm waiting.
What do I do if I hear her scream? I imagine myself slipping through the gate perfectly as to not upset the dogs - Two steps to the back door (which would be slightly open for me to slip in between) - Into the kitchen just in time to jump and kick the man (who I still haven't seen but he's probably like 6'6 and once was in prison) right in the chest with both feet - then smash a potted plant onto his head only to have a bit of a laugh with Victoria and run away to my car and speed away to get smoothies or some type of cold refreshment... knowing her it would probably be wine...
But then again this could be all cooled down and reasoned with.
They end up coming out of the garage for a smoke - which I'm there with three lit already - and we reason with the man. I'll say this, this girl has the heart of a lion. She's the one that people turn to when they really need help and often times gets walked on for it. I think we can relate.
I've needed someone who thinks as much as I do. Helps me relax when I know that I'm not the only one who worries about random shit or finds people that need help and helps them.
When I was in Amsterdam I saw a guy stoned and drunk as shit barely walking in the middle of the little cobble stone path. People were just passing him and he inched his lighter to his cig about an inch every five seconds. I couldn't help it but help him light it and walk off. I mean shit - living in those situations helps me write them.
After doing about 15,000 miles in a month I'm finally ending up at my sisters in west valley. Makes the commute to work easier and gives me a chance to be around family. It's funny how often priorities change when they shouldn't.
As I bum at my packs house - I'm getting myself the most simple life before this winter season kicks in. I'm hoping to pull out another script by March. Now I'm off for the search of the beloved Taco Bell.

10/27/10

2010-10-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've put my thoughts into words. Most of my time back has been spent bumming around doing nothing - Which is awesome but I've been in a schedule the whole summer and I'm feeling useless.

A lot of me felt like getting back to Utah was suppose to be a huge change, an epiphany into what I thought I would change me some how but I feel the same. I tend to put too much weight onto changes in my life. Probably just need to realize that I'm still me and the world is no different - even if the last month has been traveling over 15,000 miles.

It's crazy how much our minds are prone to working at work and goofing off at home. The need for an office is growing and I'm sure I'm going to go crazy if I don't find a sanctuary to relax in. Sleeping on the couch and living out of a backpack is hardly a sense of stability but I'm sure I kind find that in my head.
I've contemplated just using my car until I can find something but the downstairs couch seems to do just fine, but it is creating some problems...

As I sit now - Xbox controller just inches from my hand just beckoning me,
"Sit back and relax... you need a break... you woke up at the crack of noon for today and have already worked soooo hard... touch me... press my buttons and turn me on... I'll take you to places you've never been... I'll let you do things that your life won't let you... I'll give you the chance to throw a sticky grenade and watch the lesser man explode to your delight.."
God I'm loving Halo Reach.

I've recently been asked by a friends dad to write blogs for his company. Seeing how I have only drive and less experience, I seem to fit this position wonderfully! Writing small essays about crap in the Utah County area will teach me more about the locals and learn to hate them so much more...
It's a job and I'm gonna do my best in it. Put my heart in it or otherwise be broke.

Aren't these the times in life where I should be able to write the most? When life is merely scrapping by to find the next simple moment of enjoyment?
Bah.

Back in utah

2010-09-23T04:40:00.000-07:00

Life rocks :)
I've come back to warm smiles and genuine laughs. I love it! The people rock and thats exactly what I needed.
On the other hand, the city is chaotic and it's taking time to get used to being in a crazy place again. I loved how fast pace everything was in Manhattan but I've become so accustom to the quiet, peaceful wilderness that I'm overwhelmed.
Even though I'm sleeping on couches and living out of my car, I need to make a schedule for my life. Get in pajamas, smoke a bowl, smoke a cig while jamin out to Radiohead, then brush my teeth and go to bed. I did that in AK and it gave me time to myself to think. BE HERE NOW is the greatest mediation I've ever done and that ends my days the best. I've got tons of pics but I need to edit them!

Utility Belt

2010-09-02T04:09:00.000-07:00

I have too much shit.
My bare minimum that I have in my pockets consists of this.
Front right pocket - phone, change, safety pin, lighter, important notes
Back right pocket - wallet
Back left pocket - keys, snowboarding bandana (in case of riot or if I want to disguise myself) and sometimes green.
Front left pocket - ipod, cigarettes, clear eyes

I wanted to have my new knife (that I traded for something but I've already forgot) with me but I have too much shit! No wonder my pants are always falling down!

I need a utility belt. Something bad ass. Something that when Batman wears it, it's awesome but if a nerdy dude wore it then it would be stupid. Maybe if I wore it, and wore it with enough pride, then people would think "it's normal and yes, that man does have a utility belt".

Some may say - "That's gay, just have a back pack." I do have a backpack. Fuck off. I can dream!

It's like when I wear my really dorky glasses around but I don't act like they're goofy, I act like "I lost my contacts and these are my only pair so deal with it" and people don't give me weird looks. I love wearing them around people who actually wear glasses because they always second guess me and later I see them checking for contacts. Maybe I'll just pretend like I need them all the time, use it as a crutch, so then at the moment when some dude steals my glasses and thinks I can't see, I'll just put my hands out and slowly walk towards him - As he laughs at my misfortune, I'll grab his ears and slam my forehead into his nose then roar into the sky " IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?!" as he crumples to the ground.
Or maybe I'll just stick with jeans and start using my hoodie more cause there's no chance in hell I'm getting a fanny pack.

random photos...

2010-09-01T22:14:00.000-07:00

Europe!

2010-09-01T03:24:00.000-07:00

My friend Ben calls me up two weeks ago.
"Dude I just made a deal with God!"
What kind of deal? I mean I make deals with God all the time but-
"If this girl calls me by midnight tonight, then I will live my life the way my parents raised me to. She doesn't have to go out with me- hell she could tell me she hates me but at least she called. BUT- if not? I'm going to Europe. Are you in?"
Holy shit, are you serious?
"More then I've ever been in my life!"
Dude I'm broke as shit. I want to go, I can go, I'm dying to go but I can't. I have bills to pay!
"Dude, I'm floating on cash right now just pay me back.
DEAL!

I'm getting my passport expedited up here, hopefully by the end of the week and we are going!

When I make a deal with God it's small. It's something I can handle. I don't want to be let down. Any time that it has been something big, I never follow through with my end of the deal. My threat to God if he doesn't recreate a mountain dew can in my back pack. How is he suppose to follow through, if we never follow through either? As parents we learn that our kids are serious, when their little 5 year old son comes out in a batman costume and tells you he's going to play batman on the roof since the ladder is out from when you were putting up the christmas lights. Don't be surprised to see them climbing the ladder they just said they were going to do!
So this is me, proving to God that we have choice and we will use it!

I feel like I have worried so much about the stupidist things. Money is stupid. It's convenient. It comes it goes and I'm never happy with it. Experiences like this?? I can't pass that. Especially since I had no idea what I was going to be doing in October. I was waiting for something to come up since it usually does.

If I can accept the worst case scenarios in a decision- If I can be okay with whatever happens at the worst point - Then why not do it? If I see a girl I want to talk to, whats the worst that could happen? (Logically- because yes she could pull out a knife and shank me, then rape me, then feed me to a den of kitties she has bred over the past few months... but that won't happen.) What I get rejected? Okay, walk away :) Whats the worst thing that could happen in Europe? We get kidnaped and sold as sex slaves to military men in Yugoslavia? Just walk away...

Still super sick. Can't get over this fucking cold but oh well. I've had a cough since January and a runny nose for the past few weeks. My boss (my napoleon dynamite uncle) has made it impossible for me to get time off to relax and get better. BUT at the same time, I'm working like 50-55 hours a week and I'm going to be able to make a lot to save for. I'd like to have car payments for sept, oct, and nov already taken care of so I don't have to worry. Maybe I'll get Ben to pay for it.... mUAHAHHAHAHA probably not. That's stupid anyway.

Lately I've been alone in a crowd. I hangout with people that are great for company but don't feed my personality. I feel disconnected because I'm not around people like me. Every now and then I'll feel at home. I smoke with the manager of one of the hippy stores out here and she's pretty chill. Reminds me of my sister (same age) if she chose another life. Some times I'm lonely but that's only when I think about myself in third person. I like being alone for the most part. I've come quite comfortable with myself and my thoughts. This is the first time in years that I've been alone for longer than a week. I like it! I like putting myself in situations just to see how I handle them. I like playing tricks on myself and smoking my last cigarette so I have to struggle for one in the morning. I never thought about shit like this before. It's been a crazy discovering process because I don't have to provide or worry or think or deal with or anything for anyone. Yes I have obligations and it's not that I'm taking advantage of it in a bad way- I now have time to think about what I want and where I want to be. Give myself goals and realign my ideas of how to get to them. School doesn't make me happy. I like learning but I know I don't like UVU. I can't do that anymore. The schools I want to go to, tell me that I have to live my life. So here I go :) As I learn more about what I want, I realize that I want to live a very unconventional life and live it for the experience. Meet people and grow with people. Find love on multiple occasions (As the lady I smoke with says "try every flavor to see what you like!").

I think of myself as a sculpture in stone. Every trial, every success is a part of my carving. My chips, my cracks and my scuffs are what got me here and I'm happy with how it's turned out. There are some scuffs that I want to have but don't want to go through them - when they happen I just enjoy them more because I know that I'm going to be laughing about it later

Just a thought

2010-08-29T04:27:00.001-07:00

From the age of two I was raised to believe in something bigger than my immediate surroundings. While the little boys around me had dinosaurs and teddy bears to play with, my father gave me a piece of scotch tape. For hours on end, my father would laugh as I tried to get the sticky contraption off of my fingers, only to have it stick to the other hand. Back and forth with agony, I would move the tape from finger to finger (trying to tune out the hoarse laughter), hoping to God that I could get the trap off of me. This taught me with two major principals-

The first... Life is short so enjoy it. Don't waste your time on the material things like toys. Find beauty in the smallest objects. Never give up when life gets tough.

The second... Feed your hatred and one day (after careful planning over many years) defeat your father and in his last waking moments for a chance to breathe, laugh with no mercy! MAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!

2010-08-21T04:10:00.000-07:00

"Oh shit. I'm a giant" I say out loud as I look at the family sized bag of chips turn into a snack pack. Depth perception completely thrown off and I realize that I'm pushing my mind farther than I've ever done.
Back up.
I smoke before I go running- to give my body a rest and my mind a chance to organize the day. Shrooms are still in my body from the last time I took them and I start to trip again as I'm running. I'm guessing my body is just super sensitive to them since this was the first time I've done them. Get this - I'm reaching the peak of this hill - my temples are pumping, my hands start to tingle - just reaching my first mile (which I basically sprint) - and colors start to change. I look at the sky and it turns the familiar cartoon blue that I saw before. I'm starting to see patterns in everything and the pine trees start to curl. Luckily no one was on the path and I was able to really enjoy it. I felt like nothing else mattered but that moment right then. Not a care in the world except for my breathing. I could feel every muscle pump through each step. The ground breathes as I run past. Not only am I now on an adventure but I'm succeeding in it! My favorite part about the whole run was running over the bridge. We have two bridges out here - one for the bike trail and the other for the cars. So the bike trail one is fairly narrow so you can really see the water rushing two stories underneath you. Running over that and seeing that much movement without any enhancing is pretty cool but I can tell you it was a lot cooler from my point of view :D

Life has been good lately but I've been really home sick. I miss people that get me and understand my sense of humor. I've dealt with a lot of literally stupid people lately and I miss some intellect! I miss intelligent conversations that don't have anything to do with "your mom".
I want to be around people who care about their lives and where they are going. People that want to seek the truth and have passions. I'm finding more and more people who are settling for less because they don't believe in themselves. It doesn't matter where you work or what your doing as long as you can still follow what you want to do. I guess I'm terrified of growing up and being dissatisfied with my life. Looking back and wishing I did more. I feel like I have a lot to offer this world and if I end up in a dead end job and a life built around money - I'll start a mafia. By the time I'm 30- If I'm not happy with what I've done, I will turn to the darkside and purposefully do a bunch of illegal shit. Break every rule just because I can. It seems only fitting when you play by the rules and come up empty handed. The house shouldn't always win.

I'm trying to think of what else to say but I guess it's time to retire to my blanket fort and sleep in peace in the corner of this god forsaken attic. ONE MONTH AND I'M HOME BITCHES!

LESBIAN COUPLE SAW THIS AND WANTED ONE OF THEIR OWN

THIS ISN'T FINISHED BUT IT'S THE PEICE CALLED "PUSSY LOVE"

PS - I'm kinda stoked cause I'm running four miles 2-3 times a week and I'm averaging at about 7 minute miles. Been doing a lot of pull ups and push ups too but I'm not eating too healthy... yay for mountain dew!

Boomin for reals

2010-08-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of me right before I grabbed the port key...hahahahaha crazy harry potter

Working til six on Friday I headed over to the little brothers to see what they were up to.
"Do you vacuum?" Derrick asks as I walk in.
"Yeah at ten"
"Get it off"
"Why?"
"Trust me. We just got some shrooms."

After eating them with some rice crispy treats (like champions), we went to the "Sourdough Cabin". We were split up to begin with. Chubba and I walked off first but once we got to the cabin he walked away leaving me to start my trip alone.
Invincibility ran through my veins and I did not just feel like a Spartan but I knew that I could do anything. Jumping from rock to log to rock I ran around until I finally found a swing set. I climbed up a tree the size of a pole, until I reached the top of the swing set and jumped from my tree to the top bar. I'm now about 15 feet up and Derrick walks up. I'm just hangin by one arm and a smile on my face.
"What up buuuuuudddy?" I ask.
"You crazy man! How did you get up there?"
"I climbed. Would you like to try?"
"Fuck no dude that thing is HUGE!" hahahahahahahahahaha

The things I saw were some of the coolest things I've ever seen in my life. I saw a bridge mirror image copy itself because my eyes were buggin out. I was literally in a wonder world of happiness! This was the mormons telestial kingdom! The world was alive around me - I could see the trees breath, the fire dance and the river move like a blanket. Most of the things I saw I could remember my eyes wiggin out before and making that happen. The shadowing is taken out and you almost lose your 3d into a 2d - probably why I felt like I was in a cartoon. My friend looked like a dwarf with his backpack on as we ran around the woods.

Made a fire but I guess we were making way too much noise and a lady came over to ask us to leave. Half my friends go down the path one way and my other buddy goes off the edge and down the mountain below. I follow because I'm worried more than I should be. We moved into a nice area and walked around until we finally got to his place.

He turned to me at one point, as if we were able to speak to each other regardless of the world around us and he said "This is the moment I needed. The feeling of absolute vacation!". I can't put into word the feeling of absolute bliss. I imagine it to be- a mix of a time when I'm older and I'm watching my kids play as we have a bbq (mixed with) reaching the top of a mountain, after a long crazy hike with your friends and the sun starts to come up. That's it right there. A moment of genuine true happiness.

Times changed when we needed to head back after realizing that we were in the middle of an open field stumbling around with a group of people watching us. Good trip turned bad and we headed through what felt like a labyrinth! Each dark cabin looked identical as I stumbled around, luckily I was with a friend who knew where to go.

When we got back to his place I literally lost my mind. I had entered a realm where the world didn't matter. I was in my my eternal state and literally could care less about time. I kept thinking to myself "but time is what I live around, time is what I need in my life - it's structure" my mind turns to me and says, time is an illusion. A comfort blanket. Why does time matter in eternity?

Afraid of my state of mind I look down and see my tattoo. "I was a writer once. I wrote a movie and this tattoo proves it. It exists."

In my other hand I held my phone and thought to myself -"I've taken a drug. I brought this upon me. This isn't reality. What you see around you -(Which by now was all kinds of weird faces in the walls and a cartoon land from hell. Even my friends were foreign to me.) This will end. This isn't going to last forever." My phone had time. My phone had the key to mortality. It told me that even though time was frozen in my head, the world around me was still moving.

I kept thinking over and over again that I had obligations to the people around me. Yes I could not show up to work but it would ruin my chances with this family for anything ever again. My manager tells my uncle, then my mom, then my sister and I'm fucked. It was stupid to take a drug like that when I'm working but here I was in the middle of it, trying to bring myself back to reality. I knew that I had to come back. I had to live up and do what I'm suppose to do regardless.

Looking around me and seeing people who I didn't feel were friends. They were strangers laughing and how comforting that is to see random people laugh, it's weird when you're in a room with them and they don't mind.

The trip slowed down and I started gaining my memory of passed events of my life and regained who I was like remembering a dream.

How stupid these concepts are, when you've lost all sense of reality - you'll understand.

I thought I lost my mind before. I didn't lose it. I let it control me into a downward spiral. My mind was there - it just wasn't doing what I wanted it to!

I left my friends that night, thinking that it was over. I didn't know it came in waves.

By now the sun has set and it's the darkest night we've had this summer. Scattered rain showers make the ground super glossy. I make my way along the trail and pass the lesbians house. We talk about pussy and the world. I gained two really good freinds from it. I'm pretty stoked. Anyway - here's something I wrote about one of the two girls...

Some tattered converse were planted at the bottom of two very lon and slender legs. Shredded jean, stretched itself across her thighs, revealing her pearly white skin. For a brief second, I wonder what it would feel like to be those jeans. I snap out to see her delicate fingers run through her dark pixie cut as the other hand holds a cigarette she calls a "smag". I watch her raise the burning stick to her lips and my mouth begins to salivate. Big, soft, gorgeous lips beckon me to suck on them as she inhales.
She was the "Rock Goddess" of my century. Everything about her I fell in love with. Her big gorgeous blue eyes sat under pencil thin eyebrows, down to the straightest nose I've ever seen.

She relaxes in her lawn chair with the presence of a queen in her thrown. Delicate, precise and educated. Our eyes make contact and for that moment, my heart stops beating and I'm caught. She smiles and I breathe for the first time.

She was even named after my favorite car. She was everything I wanted- Everything except for the fact that I would never be what she wanted... I'm a guy. hahahahahaha

yesh so I ran into the sexiest lesbians (ofcourse)- they want me to draw them some octopussies just cause they like my art. I figure I might as well just because I want the practice and I want (if anyone has it) someone to appreciate my art and I know they do.

So I drank whiskey with them and then finally went home at 7 am only to wake up at 10 am to open and then close at 9 pm. hahahaha totally fun and totally worth it! The next night I stayed up and played beer pong with the same guys. It's sad that I finally feel close to them and now they are slowly leaving.

WHERE I END YOU BEGIN (The sky is falling in.) BY RADIOHEAD Listen to that shit as you read this.

Watching the sky last night and I see a star (really bright star) start moving. Thinking it was just a sattalite I watched it slowly start moving to the right. After reaching what would be if you held your hand out and saw the length of your palm on the sky, the star stopped then faded away until I couldn't see it anymore. Totally wasn't a star but very well could be a metorite. BUT it didn't have an explosion or anything, it just faded away. Kinda creepy cause Alaska has tons of alien stories up here.

I figure it's I'm ok cause who would believe me right?

I've seen a lot of military movement over the last couple of days too. Big cargo helicopters fly by in twos all the time. I saw a semi with 5 hummers and gunners on top go by at 3 am the other night. Hahahahaha yeah I'm high but who cares? I still saw it!

Texted two friend about it - not helping my case when they think I'm crazy already... haha oh well.

Doing shrooms kinda taught me that I don't need a lot of things in my life. I'm going to try and quit smoking. If I want a cig I have to buy it for a dollar. I can take one if offered but I won't ask. I've been smoking a pack a day and it's stupid. I just need to figure how to handle my boredom cause I don't want nicotine - just something to do with my hands.
I realized that I don't want to waste my time worrying about the future. Do my best and accept the outcomes when they happen. Just make sure I know what the outcomes are before I go.
I'm not going to smoke weed at work either. I like being on top of my game with customers and when I'm high I can't.
I've noticed a lot of smoking is out of patterns so I'm not smoking in the morning any more.
I'm self critical but not a lot of people know that. I just know I have more potential then I usually give. My art is the first thing that hasn't been something I'm trying to half ass anymore. I want to do my best in everything I do. Why hide it?

beliefs

2010-08-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

so I've been thinking a lot lately about God. From time to time I've actually felt my creator around me but I don't think that he intervenes. I see God as a parent that is looking out for me but lets me choose my way. Although I'm not sure what to believe any more.
At the start of my summer here I've realized that I am no longer Christian. I do think that he lived but I don't believe that I need to be saved. I don't think that I am a terrible sinning person that needs to be saved- No - I'm normal and like everything else I have my faults but those are more decorations for who I really am.
I figure that a person who lived a completely perfect life, probably doesn't know much about the soul. Now I'm not saying Jesus didn't but if you think about it - you have to have really bad times to truly appreciate the good times.

As of last night I'm not sure what to think. I used to believe that there was an after life because I have seen terrible ghosts from time to time that haunt me as I sleep. I'll wake up in the middle of the night to someone breathing in my ear or see a decomposing body of a woman scream at me at the edge of the bed.
No joke thats true.
As I did some research I came across this article here. I wanted to know about "Astral Projections" and found more.

http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/1740

Those ghosts were just hallucinations that my mind made to freak me out and wake me up, but I didn't wake up. They say that stress can cause these and seeing how the last time I saw one was the most stressful time of my life (last October), it all makes sense. There wasn't a single time that I saw one where I wasn't stressed, sleeping, or drunk. Never have I seen a ghost high (which was a major worry because I thought it would make it worse and I was sick of seeing dead people...) and it's been almost a year now since the last one I saw.

Totally nuts.

Now that I know it was just my mind, my only "concrete" idea of " THERE'S EVIL DEAD PEOPLE IN MY ROOM - SINCE EVERYTHING HAS AN EQUAL OPPOSITE THEN GOD MUST EXIST" has now been curb checked like Cinderella with a glass slipper in her mouth when she got home past her curfew.

The last time I really felt God was when I was high. I'm gonna try that again and see how it works. I want to believe that I could some day become a God through trial and error in the afterlife. I don't think nor want to be saved but I know I was created and created out of love. My natural instinct is to love and I know my creator made it that way. It's up to me how to chose and live.... right? haha

LATER THAT NIGHT
Sitting alone at his bedside the lonely stoner sits comfortably in the dark, holding a pile of cream cheese and an two week old bagel. Sneaking past the old woman he was able to blend in with his environment like a ninja and be one with the creaking cabin wood. Becoming a shadow he moved through the kitchen gathering the necessary tools needed to complete the task. Realizing how almost crunchy the bagel was becoming he began to dig his own grave into the white goodness. Licking his shovel of a spoon clean he put away the old cream cheese thinking "This will probably make me sick tomorrow but I need nutrients. Nutrients. Nutrients. Nutrients..."

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!
A quote from Steven Hawkins comes to mind -> "the universe is governed by the laws of science. The laws may have been decreed by God, but God does not intervene to break the laws."

To believe that God exist is what gives him power. He is there when we search for him but why would he come otherwise? God doesn't have to be there unless we need him, science proves it without him but if we need someone to fall on - real or not - we can rely on that which makes us more than man but eternal.
Maybe you could be an Ignorance is Bliss person or you could be a I have Purpose person but thats up to us - God doesn't intervene and we choose to live our own lives regardless.

I dont know how to put it into words but think of God as the invisible brother Jason I created when I grew up that hated my dad. He was the friend I never had and slowly he became more of my subconsious. Maybe God is just our inner ideas of what "should" be to give us a limit. Limits scare us as humans because we are possibly limitless which is more terrifying. Then we have purpose and reason to get up in the morning or to even think about sleeping and that just makes life inconvenient. haha sarcastic remarks are rarely appreciated through text but oh well.

I hope this makes sense in the morning as much as it does now... hope someone gets my monte pythons flying circus quote...

2010-08-03T14:58:00.001-07:00

I'm making myself post this whether I want to or not - in the moment these were epic. Opera music makes everything better!

After watching my favorite George Lucas - Star Wars Episode V Empire Strikes Back - I've come to the conclusion that my manager in her 73rd year is C3PO. Everything makes sense! I can finally get along with her if I just beep and whistle. I haven't said a word in days, just sounded like a broken merry go round as I hobble up steps and glide around on the carpet. Robots need love too right?

As I pop all 30 joints in my hands in one quick movement, I begin to think.
Did I really do that? King in Alaska and I'm wondering where my limits are...
I guess I know that I'm entering a world where anything is everywhere and I want to know how I handle. Know how I drive if I come across bat country.

I feel like a piece of winterfresh gum in a mouth but pleasant. so lovely.

LATER THAT NIGHT...

I'm gonna try to write creatively...

I sit tonight as the sun finally decides to set and I have my last cigarette in the box. Where's my cancer when I need it? Stars begin to flicker as I look across the street to see an over weight family crammed onto a park bench under a light. Each roll from the fathers stomach is clearly lined with shadows. I can see the ice cream he had for lunch and the ribs he had for dinner just clogging his arteries in front of me. They sit alone, waiting for a ride that doesn't seem to be coming. Why are they there? It's 2 am and this family (how warm they are as they struggle for space on the small wooden bench) waits intently as if they can see the headlights in the distance but all I see is darkness.
My cigarette burns too quickly for my comfort. I finally just got comfortable and now I'm half way done. My time has been consumed with watching the little red cherry burn its way down the tower of tobacco and random shit they found in a lab somewhere. I decided that I don't want to think about time - I know that my break is two cigarettes long and that I'm gonna shoot myself if I smoke more.
You see I play tricks on myself when I'm high. I laugh at the thought of me squirming the next morning as I realize that I smoked the pack the night before. Some weird sense of masochism that I love to feel. It's almost like I just sit and watch me get through the financial problems that I've set up for myself and I just laugh when I struggle. I like to see what I do when I mess up. I think that's one of the reasons that I like to draw with pen and permanent marker. If I mess up I have to deal with it and shade more. I can't go back, I have to keep going and make the best of it.

August first and second

2010-08-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

I have new friends - a lesbian couple and probably two of the most gorgeous girls I've met out here. One is obviously the butch and the other is the bitch but the butch can pull off the dude hair cut cause of her facial features but anyway- I asked them if they knew of anything about subconscious control and how to control dreams and the butch told me about how your body releases a chemical to paralyze you when you sleep so that when you dream of running you don't actually run. She went on to tell me about how if you can keep your mind awake and not move (Cause even the slightest muscle movement can restart the process) you can enter a state which is pretty cool. They say it's the most out of body experience - like you walk away from yourself and can concentrate on other people in the room. So I decide to try it.
We hike up the back mountain and find a cool camping spot. Smoke then I lay back as we watch the stars. I concentrated only on not moving. My body wants to move but I can't let myself. I sit as bugs start to crawl onto my arms but just then I felt my fingers start to tingle and go numb. My skin starts to tighten around my body and all of a sudden I have no urge to move. My body is frozen. And this is where it gets cool -She told me that a lot of times your body starts to shake - just a slight rumble and thats when it hit me. I start to rumble and I look down at my feet, but I realize that my eyes are closed. I was able to sink away from my body and into the ground like it was water. I jolted back awake and my mind was so out of it that I passed out of three hours on the ground. I know it can be done sober so I'm gonna try it tonight.
Tried it again but I can't get back into that state of mind without moving! Even when I did it the first time I remember thinking that it was beginners luck - still that was awesome!

I've evolved

2010-07-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

For so long I have devoted my life to Gwen that I forgot about the things I really like to do. Like drawing. It's been about seven years since I've really drawn anything. I drew my wedding invitations but it was just a castle - faces was something I was always afraid of so this summer I've tried to focus on getting better :D
Out here in Alaska I've learned that not only do I like to draw but I'm pretty good at it too. I feel like I've unleashed a super power that was dormant inside of me. It started out with "Roxy" . . .

ROCK GODESS ROXY

My next was to try to draw someone I knew...

A FAMILIAR FACE

This freaks me out only because I can see what I can do. I feel like Jason Bourne...

BOOMIN' WITH BATMAN - ENJOYING A GOOD JOKE

I'm gonna keep playin with this and see what I can do. Now that I have only myself to worry about I'm finding that my reach is farther and my goals are higher. I feel like I can really do what I've wanted to do. Live.

2010-06-23T15:53:00.000-07:00

I've gotta step out of my comfort zone.
I'm so used to being with someone that I've almost forgotten how to pick up on a girl! I know the subtle moments when I can flirt with a girl and have it go no where because that's what I've been trained to do - Getting passed that and actually engaging it is all crazy to me.
Working in the gallery, I don't get many opportunities to actually meet girls. The only time I get, is if we're slow and I have a chance to talk. a quote from the joker "I'm just a dog chasing cars, even if I caught one I wouldn't know what to do with it!" - Yeah I know what to do with it - At least from the one night stand perspective and I have a room to take them to. Not the blanket fort I have shared with an old woman. Not really the bachelor pad of choice...
I've gotta give myself again though. I've gotta be able to balls up and try to fall again. It's hard to think about not settling for the one. That I'm gonna have to go through a bunch of crazy bitches before I find a cool one. I hate crazy bitches.

Now having watched this video again I can see that I look like a stupid stoner, which I am but this moment was so much more to me. The camera doesn't give it justice to see it the way I did. Those clouds where hot pink! Looked like a comic book almost! It reminded me of the movie "Bedazzled" where the devil grants this guy seven wishes for his soul- Anyway, he chooses to become more emotional so that he can get this girl. At the beach he see's the sunset and can't stop crying every time he see's it- Totally hilarious, since that's almost what I was doing!

I'm okay going to california with Jude. It feels good to have a plan and be okay taking my time with it. I hope that if I sell a script that I can buy an apartment out there. It would be nice to build the Bat Cave up again and have the same, but at the beach. Sounds blissful!

I'm heading up to Fairbanks this weekend and it's kinda awesome - my manager needs something so she is paying half my gas. The little brothers are coming so they are splitting the gas between all four of us. I should come out with 25 bucks to keep hahahaha YES! I ROCK!

Summer Solstice Alaska

2010-06-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

Today has been nothing but blue skies and warm sun. It was now that I've realized that I am still hidden behind this blog. This may not sound like much to the common person but today is my day that I am me. So why not share it? I've gotta keep my names different cause of the stories but at least I have a face.

Basically the past week has been hanging out with the little brothers. The group of kids that get me my weed and play pool as much as I do. Ranging from ages 19-21 they all act like high school thugs. Not a single intelligent conversation besides how Tino's mom is getting done by his homes... I don't mind them because they treat me different then they treat each other. They know that I'm older but don't mind the company either. I went over yesterday to see if they wanted to shoot some pool and we ended up going for a hike to some water falls. Kicked back a few bowls after making a fire and watched them get drunk. I don't usually like to drink and smoke cause I usually lose my high. The younger kid from Utah got plastered and I recorded him yelling on his own phone. Not too bad, but I totally felt out of place haha.
Outside the back of their housing, is a forrest with a river. Most of my time after work is walking slowly through this forrest and getting high. I feel like the world is completely different. It's acceptable, entertaining and new. I feel like a child, learning to grasp the reality around him. Everything is exciting, colors are amazing and most often times, I remember memories as if I'm back in them. I feel the road trip my family took to Portland and I was five. I remember the feeling of the sun on my face, the sky and the distant glint of the moon if I ever saw it.
Ipod has been on shuffle since I'm sick of my music and I want something new. The radio barely works out here so what I brought up is what I have (Thanks to Noah I have over 390 albums...). I've been making a playlist and all the same bands come up- Radiohead, Regina Spektor, Incubus and every now and then a random Death Cab for Cutie will come up. Mellow, chill, inspiring music. It's just what I've needed.
Lately I've been down about being alone. I've looked at the world from my eyes and not from another. If my friend had the same opportunity I would beg them to do it because of the adventure. So I've been able to enjoy being out here more when I think about how it really is just an adventure. Just another chapter in my book of life.

It's weird to say, but I'm finally, somewhat okay with being me. I've always been with a girl and now it's finally okay to listen to my own thoughts.
I look back through my journals and I knew that this trip would be a major test of my mentality and sanity. With the crazy thoughts of my divorce, to the crazy shit that's going on back home- I've been tested. The true feeling of sorrow as you watch relationships crumble and fall from a far distance. Dealing with my manager and her vindictive ignorance, has put a test on my patience. I'm learning that from the sadness can we appreciate the happy moments.
I've been able to look back on my past and remember the moments of being so in the moment with her. To remember her smile and not the makeup smeared, screaming woman I saw last. I will never have the chance to talk to her again. It won't be the same. I won't be talking to the woman I was best friend and lovers with. Maybe she will change for the better and learn to accept the world. Oh well. I hope this all makes sense tomorrow.

Safety Meeting

2010-06-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

So I get up around 3 pm today and head to get groceries - As I'm on my way out the door I realize that I should smoke my first cigarette of the day and head to my spot. On my way I run into an older woman that I've seen around. She tells me she's on her break and is ready to relax (does a joint jester) so I ask- Are you serious? She's like - Come with me.
Yeah we hot boxed her trailer and it was awesome! I totally drove to Healy, baked as shit, and got myself my groceries in record time.
I'm still kinda high from the experience- haha totally awesome! There is a group of older hippies that totally smoke and are looking for friendly faces to smoke with hahaha YES!
Got invited to a pool tournament but I don't know when it is. I beat the security guard at the employee table, and he said that he wanted to see me play in at least one of their tournaments- YES! hahaha

Yesterday I worked a split shift- Meaning that I opened the store, had a four hour break and then closed the store. Yesterday was also the slowest day of the year. At the closing, there was a girl and her mom that came in- Oh my gosh was she gorgeous! She had her hood up when she entered but saw me and let her hair down. I've been really good at equaling eye contact with girls, holding it longer than needed to bring out a closer look- Kinda cool stuff- But that's not why I say this story. I say this story because I was wanting her more than I've ever really wanted anyone in a long time. I had to talk to her, I had to get her number. SO I talked as much as I could but when it came down to it, I couldn't get an opportunity to give her my number or get hers. She was so foxy though - Blonde hair with brown eyes, which usually doesn't get me, but she knew how to use them which just made her more foxy.
I speak about this because I see this as a moment of clarity in my life. I see it as a stepping stone because the night before I did the same thing with the waitress. I made her nervous and could feel the tension building like it should- My problem is being able to see these moments and then not doing anything about them. I'm used to being a taken man that I don't know how to push it beyond that moment. It's like I know that beginning of flirting but have never taken it farther- never really wanted to because I've been taken - and now that I'm a free man, I want to take it farther. It was cool to think about trying again. Thinking about getting out of the personal bubble I've created and moving on. I'm happy about that :)

Last night I had the munchies and spent 17 dollars at subway... the only 24 hour service that's out here and I got the biggest sandwich I could, six cookies and a 32 ounce drink that I DEVOURED! I finished, then question where my sandwich went.... haha

Being out here, I've started to realize my potential. I've started to think about how I really am capable of more. I've thought about how I really can sell my scripts and I really can go somewhere. I feel as though no limitations can hold me from achieving what I want to. I feel like I can conquer the world right now! I'm realizing that if there are any limitations, that they are from myself and have nothing to do with the world around me. I can choose to do something great, and if I let little things get in my way, then it's only my fault.
I feel as though the world is within my grasp and all I have to do is reach out and grab it. I feel as though I'm one of the only people that see's the world this way. Maybe once I conquer it, more people will realize that they can too.

Burnin in the wilderness

2010-06-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

Crazy day at work - probably the busiest I've seen so far. We had a lady buy 1,540 dollars worth of crap! Totally nuts!
As far as writing, my mind has gone completely blank. I try to edit my last script and just draw no creativity! After I've smoke a couple of times I started drawing again, which was cool- Did a comic strip for my Diaries of a Hitman script. Totally fun cause I used to draw when I was a kid but it's been a very long time since I've been able to hack into that creative side of me.
I'm really freaking high right now and I'm in a hotel with people everywhere. Kinda cool cause I have a major body high right now. It's like the world is heavy around me and I'm in my own personal bubble.
I've had troubles with my religious beliefs over the past month. I've debated whether God even exists but after smoking again I really feel the presence of my creator. I think of God like a watchful parent. They gave you life and created a world around you but when it comes down to it, they let you choose what you are going to do about it. I feel like we create the heaven or hell around our own lives already. If any judgement is about to occur, it won't be by a third party who decides but ourselves. We will put ourselves where we want to be. If there's an afterlife then that means there must be an eternity of life. If I had eternity? I bet I could create a world in 6 days and have a day to rest.
If you think about it- If you and I sat down and took my car apart, how long would it take? If we devoted our entire life around taking it apart and put it back together exactly the way it was? Yeah we could do it in let's say- 15 years? Piece by fucking piece we could rip it down and make the exact replica in 15 years. What could we do with eternity?
It's hard for me to believe that I will be with one person for the rest of my life. My entire human being is made to change and adapt. We have thousands of memory flashes a second that are storing more and more knowledge. We are designed to change because if you think about it- The only thing that makes us different from any other animal is the moral decision. The choice to progress in any direction. If I'm constantly changing then won't my significant other be changing too? Some may say that you can change together- which is true - but for how long? How long could you really go if you have eternity? It's a wonderful thought and I'm sure it's possible but I think there is little chance. The thing is- this doesn't make me sad in any way. I'm excited at the different experiences I will have with different people. The chance to grow with one and grow more with another? I love it! Helping each other progress and learn is beautiful.
After tasting the bitter sweetness of love, I crave it. You can't fake those moments and they are hard to come by, by going to the bar and picking up on a drunk chick. Mindless fucking is wonderful but it's a mere jerk off compared to making love with someone you care about. It feels better! When every muscle in your body tenses and releases and you're entire body is exhausted- your mind is blank and the only thing you can think about is the most mind blowing experience that you just went through. I miss that. More than a fat kid misses chocolate.

2010-06-06T00:04:00.001-07:00

Last night I decided to go on an adventure. Getting drunk off vodka, I began to explore the area and the inhabitants inside...
Stumbling into a group of cabins, I looked around to realize that I was in the employee housing of a near by hotel. Pretending that I worked there, I found a pool table in the employee lounge - so I started to play!
Ran into a friend who burned and wanted to hook me up. Got high for the first time in almost a month!
The exploring continued... this time blazed as shit. Probably one of the best experiences of my life! I just watched the mountain for an hour. Listened to the beauty of the nature around me and embraced it! It's amazing how much I've taken for granted out here. I need to listen to my own advise and look up from the sidewalk.
I'm happy, which means a lot seeing as I've been some what miserable for the past few days. It feels good to be out again. It feels good to know that I made a good decision to come out!
Finished the screenplay I was working on and I'm stoked. It's where I want it to be now and I'm ready to sell it! Been getting info on some agents, so maybe this fall??? WE WILL SEE!

2010-05-28T21:11:00.001-07:00

Boredom is creeping into my veins as I stare into the endless sunlight of Alaska.
I'm need to pick up a hobby that I can do with little amount of time - like rubix cube or magic tricks...
I sit in an empty gallery for too long. My uncle doesn't know a thing about business and now we make a fourth of what they say they used to. I've tried my input but it doesn't go very far. Simple things like jacking up the price and then having a sale for the regular price would be a simple start to help boost the over priced and somewhat worthless "Alaskan Art" that we sell.
Some of the junk that we sell seems to only be out because it was made by an alaskan in alaska. So somewhere there is a drunk eskimo that carves stick figure crap into bark that he finds on the ground. I actually grabbed a box cutter and fixed a lot of that stuff because it was bugging me at the lack of effort that was put into making it. It looks much better now :)
I'm bored because my adventures of exploring all the shops ended in 3 hours. One hour alone was spent trying to figure out a puzzle that one of the shops had out for tourists.
It's amazing what people are paying to come out and see wildlife! I talked with one guy who said he's been trying to see a bear for the past 25 years and hasn't been able to find one... K- the first time I came to Alaska was for a week in high school and I saw three bears and was chased by one of them. Yes chased by a teenage grizzly bear who was stuck on a man made board walk, with high fences, and he figured he could get through my uncle, my cousin and myself easier than the ten people on the other side of him. I bet the poor bastard of an old guy sits in the lodge all day cause we are IN THE WILD DIP SHIT! Yes, if you take an hour bus ride during the middle of the day, you might not see anything. Who would of thought that the animals have figured out when douchebags like you go sight seeing?! The first drive my uncle and I took out we saw the grizzly bear that I've posted the pictures of.
Alaska - chance of a life time that 90 percent of people take, right as their arthritus has set in and they are about to die anyway...
hahaha I say most of this because I'm sitting in the lodge across the street (for the internet) and all I see are old people. Every single one of them look confused as they stare at a screen that says the bus schedules in bold print. "Wait honey, when do they leave?" "I think it says 4pm, or is that an AM?"... JUST DIE ALREADY!
hahahaha I'm in a relatively good mood right now, even though it doesn't sound like it. I probably just need food. REAL FOOD, because I have been eating cup of noodle and pb&j for three weeks almost. DAMN JEWS!
Fuckin mondays...
hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I should make more use of my free time...

2010-05-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

Getting drunk was funny - it proved something to me but I probably looked like an idiot! If there's anything I hate it's being drunk while it's still light outside! You are totally aware that you are drunk and stumbling all over the place. For some reason I always feel like it's 4pm, which makes me feel like an alcoholic, which makes me laugh. Totally talked to the old woman drunk and she couldn't tell. She knows I drink but it was funny to be so happy around her :) Slept like a baby and had a great day the next day - Isn't self medicating the best?? haha
Have a new plot line which I can't stop thinking about - It's going to be good. America doesn't have enough fear and I'm going to shove it in their face :)

2010-05-20T21:04:00.001-07:00

I found a secret place today on my run.
Usually I stop right by the river, which is right underneath a walking bridge that goes over it. Today I climbed up the bridge and was able to sit on the concrete right underneath it. It's about two stories up and makes you feel like you are totally alone. SO RELAXING! Perfect place to smoke or if I actually go meet people - perfect for a date. I'm gonna go and take pictures of it later because the view rocks.
It's been cool to see the ice slowly melt into the river and see the scenery change. I'm getting farther each day on my run and am able to keep up my pace farther and farther too. I've always liked running and being out here brings that back for me. Running in the wilderness rocks too because you can just watch the wildlife around you. I sat and stared at a flock of birds for about half an hour last night. I just turned up my Beethoven and observed.
I miss being high.
I've almost forgot what it feels like. Maybe I should actually get out for once and mingle - that just seems exhausting! WHY AREN'T DRUG DEALERS IN THE YELLOW PAGES?!?!?! One day my friends... one day that will be a possibility and we will all feel very foolish when we remember having to hide smoking pot.
I bet our kids will laugh at the thought of it. The thought of the secrecy and everything being under the radar. I'm excited for that day - I'm sure we all are :)
Decided to try out the local pub and get drunk so we will see how this goes... haha never really gotten drunk alone or in a strange place but we will see how it goes. Bought some vodka at the local place and am just trying to get myself relaxed... kidna already drunk but yeah.... haha

2010-05-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how our parents teach us to reach for the stars - that if we put our minds to anything we can do it. That we are limitless and have no boundaries - Yet as you grow older those hopes turn into doubts. The world slowly collapses on us like a fat man in an elevator with claustrophobia. This is what I say to that. Fuck them. Fuck them for giving up on their dreams. Even if what we want is incredibly hard to get - It's not impossible. The only reason we truly fail is when we give up. Only when we give up, they are right. Never give up. Let's prove them wrong and show them that the world is with in more reach than they imagined.

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing." - Muhammad Ali

2010-05-18T21:49:00.001-07:00

Today work went by pretty fast.
I woke up to the upstairs bell ringing and I realized that I had slept passed my alarm! I was only ten minutes late but I went from sleeping to ready in 30 seconds!
I went for a run after work and got to stop at my spot. My "Spot" is right next to where they load rafts in by the river. The river itself still has ice next to the edge but it's totally serene. I just sit and enjoy a smoke as I stretch. It's about a mile out from my place so it gives me some time to relax then ready to run back.
My life is simple for once in my life. I don't have to spend any money because I've already bought my groceries for the next two weeks. I don't have to worry about deadlines of meeting up with people or driving. No worry for stop lights or for traffic - My biggest worry right now is getting weed. hahaha but I've already forgot how it feels to get high- BUT a friend is suppose to get me some and mail it to me until I actually venture out and meet people. Im happy and content not meeting anyone for the time being. I like just being me for now.

ALASKA

2010-05-16T22:14:00.001-07:00

K so this is a post basically that I have been writing for a week to keep myself sane. A lot of the questions I have get answered and it really sounds like something whiney that stephany myers would write so PLEASE EXCUSE MY BITCHINESS. I'm actually really happy but a lot of this was written in the moment. I'll try to post more pictures when I get them but the internet totally sucks out here.

DAY ONE
here I am in the side back studio room of my uncles huge ass house… IN ALASKA! I haven't been able to really see whats around me but what I do know is that it's still not completely night - still has some blue in the sky.
My uncle picks me up and the only words I can describe is that he is a middle aged Napoleon Dynamite. He's cool to talk to and really awesome but thats the only way I can really describe the way he talks... "Do the chickens have large talons?"...
Saw a baby moose running in the middle of the road. It had it's back to us so all we could see were the hind legs moving but it stood a head above the car. It was massive! I thought it was a skin walker when I first saw it out in front of the headlights. It's like 2 am right now but 4 am utah time. Kinda nuts but I should sleep but from what I hear the sun will come up in an hour.

Kinda don't know what to do with this family but be myself. My mother said some pretty rude things to me which made me rethink this whole trip. Something along the lines of "They think you are something, when really you are opposite. - You are going to get fired because no one will take your appearance seriously - I'm embarrassed for them to see your tattoos - What if you get drunk on the job?"
All the things that a mother would want to express right?? No she's retarded. I'm going to be me and if they don't like it - I'm sure I will find out soon. I already like this family - I'm hoping they will be able to tolerate me more than my mother thinks so.

My uncle said he was going to hire me for some odd jobs over the next two weeks - one of which is climbing up in a tree to take pictures of a Bald Eagles nest. Yes I'm going to get paid to do something I already wanted to do! Maybe if I eat one of the eggs I will get special powers that will help me win the wrestling match… wait that's Nacho Libre. Good thing I remembered that.

I never really think that I've moved out of state until I see all the different license plates. Now it all makes sense!

This is going to be an adventure.
I can see that now.
New and fun and awesome.
I'm going to get to know the family that I've been filtered from for most of my life.
I'm going to see the wildlife and hopefully the norther lights this fall.
I'm going to make something of my individual.
I'm going to write a full new script - at least one.
I'm going to NOT get abducted by aliens.
I'm going to learn patience - that's for sure.

Sunday
Went to church for the first time in a very long time. It didn't feel as weird as the past times I've gone but I think thats because my mother wasn't there.
I've decided that I don't believe Jesus was any more of a son of God than I am but he probably did heal people.
The concept of a son of God coming to save everyone seems too melodramatic for real life.
I've decided to take his teachings just as I would take any other great scholars teachings. For a while I have completely backed off from the church (mormon) but I have realized that if I am searching this planet for good things that can help me and the people around me - I might find some in that church. Maybe not the answers I was looking for but at least something to call "Good".
I don't feel like I need to be saved or damned. I feel like I'm going to do that myself. Don't we already put ourselves down when we do something wrong? Or give ourselves pride when we do exactly what we planned to?
Who am I to hope that someone will just come "Save" me in the after life when I have only myself to count on in this life? Why would that life be any different?
I think that if there is an afterlife then YES I can become a God. Give me enough time (like Eternity for instance) and I could take apart a car and put it back together exactly how it was to begin with.
Hell - give me enough time and I will create life in six days and have a day to rest….

This life is about progression and that's very apparent because what makes us different from other mammals is our ability to Choose. We have Choice and through those choices we can progress - which is ultimately the goal right?
My problem is when I see people who are unwilling to progress. They are damning themselves. My mother may hang pictures of Jesus all around but she doesn't change and hasn't for years. She refuses to embrace a new world. She is completely fine and content doing absolutely nothing with her life and just wait for her chance to get into the Celestial Kingdom.
After living only a fifth of the average life of a human, I can already see that nothing is easy and we will have to work for everything we want. Why doesn't she get that?

I was raised to believe that God will reveal his secrets as soon as you die - Depending on how you lived your life, would depend on where you go.

Mind you - this is minutes after you die….

Jesus stands on a cloud, glowing with his big bushy beard. Straight up, he looks through some half moon glasses at a clipboard. His foot taps in his socks with sandals.
You notice behind him is a pearly gate with a group of home teachers and missionaries. Homely looking people look happy as they make jello and play piano. Michael Bubble sings to a group of mothers making cookies.
Above him is a pull chain that dangles softly out of thin air.
"Yes yes come on in!" he beckons you without looking up. "Last name?"
You tell him and he begins to search through his clipboard until he finally finds you.
"Oooo no bueno… looks like you smoke pot, drink, and have permisquise sex with gorgeous young women… Yeah we are going to have to let you go…"
With one foul swoop he pulls on the chain and a door opens underneath you.
Red light glows as rock music begins to play. You fall into the depths of hell, like Alice down her rabbit hole. You fall passed the sky scrapers, the sun warms your face as you look into one of the apartments. Napoleon plays chess with Hitler in one room while George W. Bush shares a beer with Saddam in the kitchen.
Slowly, you land as the rock music breaks into a guitar solo. Looking around you start to recognize that you are in a BBQ.
Satan walks up in a tuxedo t shirt with a bong and some Chucks.
"Sup bro! Welcome to the coolest place in the Universe - My home! Bitches are to the left and Hash is to the right- make yourself at home! I think Hendrix was looking for you…"
You see your friends and you realize that everything was a joke since the beginning…

If God is a merciless as people make him sound, I'd be happier with Satan!

SUNDAY NIGHT
Just as I had thought - I have a lot of time to myself and in turn I have done tons of writing! Just wrote a scene that I'm trying to add in that basically is a Star Wars fight between Helen Keller and Steven Hawkins. She is a Jedi and he has been working with Jengo Fett… Pretty awesome… here it is… This is going to be apart of the script that I'm trying to sell this summer. It's replacing an argument I've created that WAS about Batman vs Iron Man and I think it fits the mood and the story line better.
..…..……………………………………………..
EXT. SPACE GLADIATOR STADIUM - DAY
A huge COLOSSEUM is filled with people, roars, as a mid twenties HELEN KELLER stands in the middle in the DIRT. Sun lights up her face as her EYES ARE CLOSED.
Startled she reaches down to the dirt below her.

STEVEN HAWKINS enters the dirt arena in his WHEEL CHAIR. It STRUGGLES through the dirt. The crowd goes wild! He turns his chair back and forth as he LAUGHS with his ROBOT VOICE.

STEVEN
HA - HA - HA… HA - HA - HA...

Helen stands back up towards him, letting the dirt slip out of her fingers.

DONALD V.O.
Wait - so are either of them armed?

JIM V.O.
Yes. She has a light saber and he has jet packs.

The wheel of Steven’s chair lifts off the ground as blue flames underneath, blow the dirt out of the way. He rises above and begins to circle her.
Helen reaches back to pull out the handle of a light saber from the back of her pants. She whips it out and swings it around until she finds a pose of defence.

INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Jim’s eyes look crazy as he steps into Donald’s personal bubble.

JIM
Just for the sake of being awesome let’s throw in - Flame throwers and the Force.

EXT. SPACE GLADIATOR STADIUM - DAY
Steven’s ROBOT VOICE can be heard everywhere as HE CIRCLES around the stadium.

STEVEN
HA - HA - HA… HA - HA - HA...

He PRESSES A BUTTON and sparks a FLAME THROWER to life. The flames rush down to Helen who stands without a notice.
At the last second she BACK FLIPS out of the way.

From Steven’s view, the GROUND EXPLODES. He STOPS the flames to see the EMPTY GROUND.

From below rises the glow of Helen’s light saber as it soars towards the jet packed menace.
He DODGES it barely and starts up his flame thrower again and keeps circling.

INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Donald looks annoyed.

DONALD
Well it’s obvious.
JIM
What’s obvious?! This is war we are talking about!

EXT. SPACE GLADIATOR STADIUM - DAY
Steven launches off a couple of rockets at Helen - who rolls and dodges each one.

DONALD V.O.
What you have to remember is that not only are both disabled in some way - Steven has the advantage because he has the brains. One would speculate that she wouldn’t be able to penetrate his home made force field with her light saber.

She throws her saber up into the sky but he keeps deflecting it sending more rockets and flames - that she keeps jumping and rolling out of the way for.

DONALD V.O. (CONT’D)
The problem is, she couldn’t be taken out by his weapons because of the force. The only way would be for her to use the force against him. It would be easy for her to turn off the jet packs when he’s in mid flight.

Helen HOLDS OUT HER ARM and begins to CONCENTRATE.
The floating, flame throwing, wheel chair begins to fall as the blue flames under neath it go out.

STEVEN
HA - HA - HA... Damn it...

FLAMES are still throwing as he PLUMMETS to the ground in an EXPLOSION.
Helen RETRIEVES her saber with the force and LEAVES the stadium, looking very BAD ASS. The CROWD behind her applauds, CHANTING her name, until she finally makes it out of the arena.

INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
DONALD
I mean, yeah, she wouldn’t be able to hear them but she would know... she would know...
..…..………………………………………………….

Just shot a moose with a wrist rocket. He was eating their grass so I had to do something.
Yes… they have a moose problem.

It's 11pm and it looks as though it's only evening. I'm wondering if this is actually going to mess with my insomnia.
Might either cure it or make it worse. Either- I'm actually excited for.

MONDAY
Yes no internet... nor a working phone since I haven't paid my phone bill...

My uncle started me working with him at his shop in Palmer and it really isn't too bad.
It feels good to be working again anyway. I've been matting paintings and pictures to get ready for his shop in Denali all day. I've done it before since I've done six years of photography.
The funny thing about all of this is my mother - the only person in my life who doesn't think I will make it anywhere in this life. I've already taken a load off my uncles shoulders with the work I've done. They were stressed that they wouldn't be able to get everything ready in time but I over heard him talking to his coworker and the gist is - he's pleased with my work.
I wonder what it would take for her to actually be proud of my work. She seems to only be able to see my best work throughout other peoples eyes. Maybe this summer will help out - all she has to do is talk to her brother and listen to him talk about my work.

Still not too sure about what they think about my tattoo or my smoking. As of today - they've all seen my arm and they all know. I was working with my headphones on - sleeves rolled up - and everyone came in. I was going to hide my arm from the younger kids but I guess not… huh oh well. I'm not worried about what my uncle and aunt think about it but the kids I was.
This is a family who answers questions and not asks them - hahaha I'm a person who will only tell the truth when asked. My mother asks - my sister asks - but they don't seem to mind. I don't think I'm going to bring anything up until they do. If they ask about my life I will tell them the truth. I have nothing to hide.
Although… when I have gone out for a smoke, I just tell them I'm going for a walk. I'm sure I reek of cigarettes but I'm not going to actually tell them until it's asked. I'm a person who likes everything on the table- hahaha this family isn't that type… oh well - let's see how it all turns out.

MONDAY NIGHT
OK so I have some awesome stories…
My uncle is letting me borrow one of his old digital cameras. It's a Cannon 20D and it is amazing! He is totally into getting the newest and the best cameras that are out, and this one still isn't half bad! I'm sooooo stoked about it!
We went on a picture spree to some of the places that he takes pictures for the ideas that he's been having for some of his paintings - One of which is a Bald Eagle nest on the old Alaskan Highway. We tried to hike in but it's a bloody swamp! Both of us actually fell in so we were soaked from the waist up! It was awesome because I actually got to know my uncle a little bit more. We share the same love for photography and he was able to see that too. He totally opened up to me but the sad thing is - he won't open up to his family. We were talking and laughing all the way home but when he got home he totally switched to the "father" role and lost the flare for who he really is. I hope that I will be able to show my kids who I really am. We got some awesome pictures too! hahaha none of which were of the stupid bird nest because it was so impossible to reach! We were hoping to actually hike up and take some birds eye view (yes - birds eye view of some birds…) but the cliff face was too steep to climb up with the equipment we have. He wants to go back later and I'm sure he will invite me.

I like my age - I get along with my Aunt and Uncle really well because I have been married before and they can sense that I have been through a lot - my cousins are awesome and I get along with them because I can relate to them as well. I don't feel old nor young. What I do like also was that I was able to not worry about my tattoo all night. They aren't as conservative as I thought they would be.

I'm so happy I came out! It really sucks because I really miss my friends but I do not miss Utah one bit! I needed to get away. I needed to see the world again. Like I said earlier - my body was waiting for the move and this was perfect for it. No one knows me. No one knows my past. No one really cares! They are happy that I'm here - and that's how it should be! I forget that the world is filled with good people. I forget that family is family and should take you for whoever you are! I was raised to believe that the world outside is daunting and not understanding - that's a lie. People are people, and we all have our problems and our triumphs. I feel ten times better not wearing a mask. I did for the first day to get a feel for my surroundings and I felt stupid for it. I like Me and I like to share Me with other people!

I drank some Dew for the first time since Friday and now I'm wired. I have a kolonapin from Lucy that I'm going to take - hopefully that will kick in and let me sleep. I've gotta get up early to work again - I found out that I have the morning shift this whole summer… It's good cause I need to get up early and also it's going to give me a chance to maybe get another job (as long as it NEVER conflicts with this job), so I might try to get a job waiting tables at one of the hotels or restaurants up in Denali. My Uncle tries to slyly tell me that I am going to be bored out of my mind but he doesn't want to say it out loud. He says things like "Well with all that extra time…" or "You be more free than you think…" hahaha

I still have some ambien that I'm going to try out once I get settled. I have two - that's enough to get a good trip… Although I might not be able to go out because I might wake up in the arms of a Grizzly mother who has taken me in as one of her cubs… that would be an awesome story though… hahahaha

SATURDAY NIGHT
My uncle paid me and I finally have a phone that works and everything I need!
I'm actually very very very happy with God because I was able to get the money from my scooter selling AND get paid for the work I've been doing in my uncles shop. Life is good!!

SO we are in Denali finally - I've been working my ass off getting this gallery set up so I haven't had much time to myself.
The grandma feels like my mom...
When I told her I had insomnia she asked "Well why don't you just try and go to sleep?" listen bitch, you're old and can sleep like a bear, and you snore; shut up and just let me do my thing EVEN IF YOU DON'T GET IT!
Hag.
Patience.. yeah I'm gaining it...
Saw bear, moose and a lynx
pictures with uncle and getting to know him but I have to remember that he is my boss. Make him happy and he will pay me - even when that means getting up at 730 in the fucking morning to go take pictures of ducks. He's gone now so I don't really have to worry about that.

midnight sunset - it's sweet. No real darkness just evening. Sun gets up at 4am which isn't bad.
getting used to my own thoughts

I'm getting into a schedule which is helping. Having more time to work out and just get used to being in my own skin.
I find that I am constantly thinking - especially when I'm getting pissed at the ignorant people I'm working with.
Cigarette breaks are awesome to help with that :D - I roll my own because it's $8 bucks a pack which is nuts if I'm trying to save money to have when I get home. I like the taste of them though and at least it's bringing a sense of moderation to my chain smoking career...

FINALLY HAVE INTERNET! I have to head over to the bar to get it but it's worth it. Get's me out of the apartment. It's super slow but at least I can post shit and keep in touch with people.

I'm very happy I came out - even though I miss everyone at home like crazy. It's beautiful out here and it's nice to not know a single person. Not to run into people I don't really want to see, is amazing!

Here's some pictures...

2010-05-07T19:41:00.001-07:00

Smoked my sister out last night - hahaha oh my gosh!

I have an epiphany in the back shed at my sisters house...

There I stand with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other.
I look down and see my leather jacket and remember my tattoo.
Vincent Price speaks to me-
"Such a bold placement"
I realize that because of this appearance "Obviously divorced"
I smile.
"Yes you are high..."
I look up to see two women giggling - one of which is my sister and the other is her best friend.
"Holy Shit... you just got your sister high"
She is laughing and squirming around.
"You got your sister high!"

Thought I was leaving to Alaska tonight but I was pretty high and I'm actually leaving tomorrow.
Free night! yaya!

2010-05-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

The beginnings of a legend...

2010-05-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

spaced my anniversary - May 2nd - it's good - I'm moving on.
Being married just seems like a distant memory.
I like that :)

who would in in a fight? helen keler or steven hawkings? starwars rules - I'm putting that in my script - its such a perfect image!

you can smoke weed if you pay your taxes - just a thought to boost the economy...

i'm as lonely as allen rickman -best line I've heard this week!

Did my first tag today and was sooooo so so nervous! I made a stencil of myself and sprayed it where we slack line so that I could leave a mark. I hope I do more but the one at my sisters will probably be my last.
I put a stupid "Wanted" above it in all graffiti caps cause I was so nervous.
I liked it though - it was liberating!
I hope to make more and put them around my travels.
I'll post a picture later but for now its just me and my pipe Sir Winston Charles the Third...

I feel as though I'm being pushed in a fast wind current.
Time moves as I grudgingly follow.
My leave is inevitable.
I want it.
Just not for a bit.

Camel 99's don't last as long as I'd like.
They're cheaper but I'm still a chain smoker at heart.

This week has gone by so fast! Maybe it's because I got a an 8th for 25 - not bad...

I've embraced the moments I've had with my friends and just have listened to some good tunes.
I've tried to relax.
My body has told me it's time to move.
It's my 4 month mark.
It knows.
I know.
I've just grown roots for once.

I don't mind the mountain sunrise.
I don't mind the bad drivers.
The dirty buildings.
The homely looking people.

I just don't want to see anyone from my past anymore.
I could go 3 years without seeing my mother.
I'd be fine if I never saw anyone from my high school again.

It's my friends.
They've always been my family.
I know they will be here when I get back.
If I get back.
They will support me on my endeavors.
I'd do the same for them.

I'm learning that it's ok to think about myself for once.
Provide for myself.
Think by myself.
I like that :)

I'll probably go to bed early.
Embrace tomorrow.
Get things done.
Smoke my sister out... :)
(I'm excited!)

2010-05-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

So Lucy is leaving tomorrow to sell pest control in Texas.
I hurt. The same hurt almost with my ex.
Losing a best friend for 4-5 months isn't easy. It's like missing a limb.
More and more I realize how temporary life really is.
I know I'm going to see her again because I see her in my life one way or another.
I just won't have a friend to go wake up at 4 am to smoke weed with.
I already miss the times of getting more stoned than we could imagine and me smoking a cigarette outside of her car. Most of the time she would stand out with me but when it was super cold she would keep track of the Dew and play the music. Just laugh and kick back without a care in the world.
Everything's gotta happen for a reason right? I mean she called me and we were able to work through our divorces. We each had someone who was missing the same thing, who felt the same pain, and who could talk the other one out of stupid decisions.
If there's anything she's taught me it would be unconditional love. To not care about anything but the person themselves for who they are.
My smoking limb of a best friend is in Texas and I will be in Alaska. Talk about change right?

Noah is who I'm really worried about. With both of us leaving (which we have all been hanging out every day for the past 2 months at least) he's only going to have his school that has been daunting above him. He'll like school though - He's one of the smartest kids I know.

Sounds like it's time to go get wasted :)

2010-05-02T04:02:00.001-07:00

I have officially moved out of my apartment and into my car a couple of days ago.
just couch surfing for the time being.

right now I am awake. sober. bored.

I have this nack for staying awake after everyone passes out. I can't tell you how many times I have stumbled through a room of passed out friends with a drink still in my hand - looking to see if anyone is awake!

2010-05-02T00:41:00.000-07:00

So back in October I almost committed suicide because I thought I had lost my soul mate. My one and only. In turn I wrote this after conquering myself and making myself realize that the bitch wasn't worth it but I needed to get over her.

Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata -

think to yourself is this really the way?
don't go to the shelf
--- I take a step towards the shelf with the knife laying, blade open and sharp as can be
would this solve anything?
yes
don't go to the shelf
--- I grab the knife
put it down you don't know whats going on
this will end my pain
please I'm begging with you
this will end my sorrow
--- I trace my left arm with the tip just grazing my skin
listen to yourself! you've gone mad!
i'm getting rid of this creature you see in front of you
please!
I am dropping to my knees as an offering to God to prove my worthlessness of an existance
you are a great man
--- I rub my arms to build the blood flow
One percise clean cut and embrace the warmth
Are you kidding me? It was only a girl!
She was mine and I was hers... and now? now there is nothing
--- Putting the knife to my left arm
Put down the knife
this will save me
put down the knife
this will free me
put down the knife
....
put down the knife
...
put down the knife
...
there are 8 billion people on this planet and probably 4.5 billion women. wouldn't it be worth it to find the one that makes you 95% whole again? why waste your time on thoughts like this? Why say good bye to the world when you are reborn, You can find something new.
You can become what you've always wanted!
This is your chance to make it happen.

2010-05-01T21:12:00.001-07:00

"i wear my scars like the rings on a pimp
i live life like the captain of a sinking ship."

saw this and loved it!

someone should tuck me in to go to bed

2010-04-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

Listen to the song Wake Up by The Arcade Fire. It's what I wrote this to. It's what I felt when the music came into my ears. It was whispered urgently but not afraid.

Drunk and stoned I write to you in a fit of fury typing fingers that embrace the cold white light that lies beneath them. With only the light of the screen, my fingers shadow flicker as each thought comes to process on the tips of my prints. I write alone - For I am alone but not that I am lonely. I have accepted my world and have decided to live in it once more. I will conquer the mountains that have over powered me - the rivers that have over run me - and the mindless torment of my own mind. One day i will look back to this day as a distance memory of the time where I kept my head up and decided to push on towards the emptiness of the unknown. I walk the stride of an older man yet I am able to enjoy every moment of it more than a child. I have kept my composure and I have realized that I am the controller of this contraption called a body. I am the decision maker and in turn I need to keep my destiny in front of me. The destiny to Choose. To make my path and let the world write about it. I will rebirth the word Legend and give it a face. I will triumph when I am down for rock bottom is merely a place. It can be visited and it can be left. I will choose my ways and I will become the greatness that I see inside myself.

By the time I'm 30 - if I have given up on all my hopes and dreams and have yet to accomplish something - I will start organized crime or become a vigilante. Good vs Evil will depend on how the world treats me...

2010-04-30T02:20:00.001-07:00

Loneliness has trickled its way down my spine as the day winds to an end.
I've never missed companionship so much in my life.
Leaving in a week I've come to realize this.
I'm going to miss my friends. And my sister... maybe my mother but that won't be for a long time.

I keep asking myself "What is best for YOU". Friends will always be there and that divorce has shown me that. They will always be there just like I'm always there for them.

I keep wasting my days away until I leave for alaska. Supposively I need to be out by tomorrow but we will see how that goes...

2010-04-25T18:36:00.001-07:00

Vaginas are like little kids - they're fun to play with but I'm glad I don't have one - Links Wisdom

munchies

2010-04-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

Yeah I just ate three pieces of pizza, a doughnut and a huge glass of milk.
I was scouring the pizza boxes for slices...

I've decided to be more excited about my trip to Alaska. I'm not as happy with my thought process towards it seeing how I'm clinging to home.
I need to step out of my comfort zone again. That's what I've loved about traveling. I was excited to move to NYC, LA, Portland but Alaska? It's made me nervous to think of. Those last trips I had Gwen. Well besides the first time I moved out, when I left to Oakland Ca. I guess it's a "coming of age" tale right?
I'm excited to have a job again. To be able to make something out of my summer. I've been laying around all winter and it's about time I've gotten up and taken a look at what's around me. I can't hide in my shadow right now. It's not worth it to myself to not be the best I can.

Sleeping at Noah's because I ran out of gas. Have one cigarette left. Maybe 3 bucks in change. I thought about just driving my scooter around until I can get it sold. Save me tons on gas at the least.

Tomorrow I get to go through a lot of my things and start to throw everything away that I don't absolutely need.
It's time to get down to one closet of things. I wish it was only a suitcase though.

wait what?

2010-04-24T16:33:00.000-07:00

so I took three ambien last night and went to a party....
..
..
..
..
.
yeah I don't remember anything but I wake up at my buddy noahs house at 4pm with an inbox full of email replies.
I guess I went to the personal ads on craigslist and started emailing people...
In one situation I have sent more than 3 emails back and forth with this girl.
I'm kind of retarded.

I guess I played beer pong last night at my drug dealers house - which I remember tit nit bits of but I have no idea how I got home. Or emailing random girls on craigslist.

I've gotta admit though - thats pretty funny...

growing roots when I want to break free?

2010-04-22T19:43:00.000-07:00

Closer this summer trip comes the more I realize how much I love my friends and family.
I've been doing all nighters lately just so I don't miss a moment.
If it wasn't for everything reminding me of her, I wouldn't be so keen on leaving.

Just got the entire Radiohead collection from a friend. I love it!

I'm selling my scooter at the moment. Had a guy call to test drive it so I rode it over to the grocery store for him to check it out. I had my goggles with me but he kinda scoffed at me when I offered them. Tried to be nice to him but he laughed in my face cause he didn't want to look like the red baron. After he left the parking lot it began to hail. Yes it was pouring. I was crying I was laughing so hard! He came back and his suit was drenched!
I want a picture of me, with my mouth open, catching hail in my mouth as I drove around.

Finals are this week and I could care less. I'm done with college/university type schools.

I've realized that I've taken my divorce as a death. It was followed by a complete life change and a new attitude towards life. I wouldn't change it for the world. I've learned so much about myself - some things I didn't want to learn but knowledge is power. The more I learn, the better choices I can make in my future.

Only in the face of extinction do we truly evolve.

CDXX

2010-04-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

4/20 and it was awesome.
Link and I stayed up all night doing homework and just got stoned all until around 9pm tonight.
The most relaxing day of my life I kid you not! I swear I could handle anything today. I was just happy and high and that was good enough for me.
More editing - I want to make this perfect!
Got a sun burn from slack lining yesterday and my arms got way red from this afternoon. First time I've been able to enjoy the sun in a very long time. Gwen was never really into it besides the tanning portions.

Thought a lot about Gwen. I realize that I need to get out of here and move on. I need to grow in a place where she hasn't marked her territory. Some where free. Some where I can meet a girl for the first time and fall in love with her for who she is and not the reputation that she's had. I want to find a girl and make my own judgements.
Every girl out here I run in to has some type of connection to my ex. I don't want to meet someone through a friend, I think a first time meet would be awesome! New and exciting.

I have hope tonight and I need to remember that. I leave in two weeks and it's freaking me out but I need to remember that at one point in my life I had hope and that was now. I can accomplish my goals and I will do what it takes to get where I want.

Money is crazy but I feel calm about it and I'm sure it will all work out.

2010-04-16T03:48:00.000-07:00

4:48 am and I'm up.
Just talked with the dennys pirate that is fucking my ex. He called me asking for advice.
I was up space cruising when I got his text and I knew what it was about.
It was cool - I was able to give him straight up advice.
Cleared my name on some things that I know she's been spreading.
Drugs after Divorce.
Turned out she used the "title" loop hole with me that she did with him.
Does a title classify a relationship or is it when you fall in love that does? I've never been a fan of titles for this reason. She can fuck who she wants as long as it's not an official "Will you go out with me" relationship.
I'm in a good mood, don't get me wrong.
Just in awe of the complexities of an average night. Figure its too late to try and get some sleep cause I'll just sleep in.
Maybe I should write more.

2010-04-08T21:08:00.001-07:00

stayed up all night
teacher loved your script - get out of utah, wished other students were like me
slack lined
sniffed morphine for the first time - first time for everything
moon rise thinking it was a space ship
haven't slept since tuesday and here it is at 5 am saturday morning and i feel as though I just smoked a bowl. i can hear music and voices but only every now and then. started getting the spins but my ears are perking up and thats why i feel high. i shake because i didn't really eat today out of ignorance.
tied for third in my fencing tournament - frankie got second and I tied with Link.
sniffed some of noahs pain meds stuff and bought some snuff - which I like because i'm not sure I want to smoke as many cigarettes as I do any more. I love them but I'm starting to chain smoke

Sunday
crashed my scooter and pulled a rock out of my eye. left arm is all road rashed up and so are my palms. I got up and just laughed it off. Sunday dinner with my mom was funny with blood dripping down the left half of my face. I had red baron goggles so no worries.

Wednesday
got peed on today by a dog who thought I was a pole. Kinda sucked and now I smell like piss.
met a girl on myspace who wants to pen pal - which is cool cause I do well with pen pals.
did ambien last night and don't remember much - all I know is that I'm out of weed.

just getting ready for alaska - not sure if I want to leave my friends and family behind quite yet. that worries me. gonna play pool with noah so I gotta go.

the last week

2010-03-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

last night I got totally blazed - ready to write when I got stuck in a dennys with two cop cars out front

dyed my hair back to normal

Stayed up and edited another 75 pages of my script, just a few more to go.

Got paid back from a good friend of mine... now I can pay for my car.

Realized I can't drive to Alaska cause I need a passport to get through Canada.

Went to savers and got me dress shoes and a maroon hoodie :)

Hung out with Wendy. Just had a really good time dancing to Elvis and getting wasted. Didn't really kiss but just laughed and had fun with it. More and more I realize that I can't be in a relationship cause I tend to be really awkward around girls when I'm not high or drunk. But theres nothing like sharing a cigarette while slow dancing to Elvis.

later in the week got food poisoning - Seriously I didn't sleep Friday night because I was in the bathroom exploding from every possibility. Slept all of Saturday and all of Saturday night. Totally blows but oh well.

At Wendys now and I've come to realize that the reason I keep coming over is because she is the only girl I feel nervous around. Something about her make me want her more and more.
Whats this? Whats this?
Am I falling again? Could I seriously be ready for that?
My body yearns at the thought of having a woman in my arms again. To feel her touch and her soft lips press against mine is a mere glimps of a dream that wisps away as fast as it came in.
Wendy isn't that for me I know it. I'm leaving to Alaska with in a month and a relationship isn't what I need.
I've pondered on the thought of finding someone and I do think it's possible but I fear that I will be too picky this time. If I decide to fall again I want to fall for someone great. Someone that makes me want to become something great. Someone who is willing to journey with me and not just beside me.

I've finished my re edit on my first script. I'm making it a movie where as it reads so much like a novel in where I thought it was first finished. I don't think I will sell this one first. The one I just finished will get my foot in the door and then I might have a chance. A school shooting done by the student body president and her sterling scholar friends isn't the easiest pick when you are just a starting writer. No one wants to throw money into that.
I'm thinking of a family movie script that isn't stupid. Fantastic Mr. Fox was one of the greatest family movies I've ever seen. It was amazing as an adult to watch because the dialogue is so intriguing!

I'm attempting to grow a mustache for Mustache May. Yeah the face of a 17 year old boy doesn't help me...

Easter dinner at my sister (who is to be called from now on as "Ruby") was way fun. Kids were kinda cranky but the food was fantastic. I've realized then that my dreams of smoking my sister out would never come true. I have too much respect for my brother in law to make the actual step in her digression from what he believes to be true.
She's a Wild Child - theres no doubt about that - but stuck in a world where she can't be herself. Kids and a husband don't mesh well with a journey of rebellion. I wish I could run with her but I don't see it happening - at least not with smokin a Charlie.

I fixed Wendy's heater tonight. It's weird how my love languages are so apparent. I remember in high school mending a belt buckle for Gwen. It was pretty shitty but I made it work again. She didn't like it because she didn't receive that language. Buying nice things for her did. I hope I never have to deal with a woman like that again!

Haven't showered or changed since Sunday... should probably get on that... doesn't help that I carry deodorant, my toothbrush, cologne and a mountain dew with me everywhere I go.
Funny thing is I remember my dad living like that. It's funny, how much I hate it, but I have tons in common with him. Oh well.

Should probably try to sleep now.

Silent yet complacent

2010-03-28T01:32:00.001-07:00

Had the upbeat day.
Got up at 11:00.
Early in the morning... rise in to the street.... light me up that cigarette and I strap shoes on my feet....

Got action last night from the Aunt again. This is Wendy. She is a total and complete fox. Early twenties with a spiky mowhawk pixie cut with very sexy long legs. She wrestles with me when we're drunk and always has dance parties at her house. We cover the inside with glow sticks and turn on her strobe lights and black light. She just knows how to get a party started!
The thing I love about her is that she is wild. We didn't have sex but almost everything up until that point. My arms are so bruised up from her biting me. It's such a turn on to wake up with a bruises from the night before! It was perfect because Noah and I planned it. I invited Lucy over and he came up with the idea to sleep up the canyon in her car since she has the wagon type. She liked it and they left Wendy and I to hang out. I bit her shoulder and she smiled. When asked about the bruises and bite marks up my arms, I merely stated - Her name is Wendy.

I woke up and saw my sister and her kids and decided that I was done trying to live the way the world wants me to. I went to the atm and cashed out 220 dollars in my already negative account. I've already decided to claim bankruptcy so why not?

My married life I had priorities very different from the ones now. I had shelter to provide and stability to give. I had to keep a standard of living that was more than I needed. My house payment and car loan went to cigarettes and mountain dew. I've turned my priorities upside down and watch them burn. I'm laughing at how little I actually need. How the world around me is a lot less expensive to deal with.

Since the divorce I went from 185 almost 190 lbs to 163 lbs. I've dropped almost two pant sizes. My pants were so scrunched up from my belt that it was embarrassing. I thought that it was my belts breaking so I kept making new holes but my belt was for a 36 and now I'm a 32. I didn't think about it until my sister mentioned that I was losing a lot of weight. She asked if I was starving myself or working out - a little bit of both I replied. So with my new found money I got new pants. Ones without holes kept together by duct tape. Ones that made me not feel like I didn't have money. I would say that Divorce is the greatest weight loss program out there. People should try it more often. Good, fast results.

I cleaned out my car for the first time since I got it. Spilled sauce from Beto's was on the carpet from a time with Lucy when we were way to high to function. Cleaned up the munchie pop corn and sprayed my cologne to give it a better smell.

New pants, a clean car and good music with Noah we played some pool. He kicked my ass but it was way fun just to be hanging out.

Just finished a new silent movie for a class. It can only be three pages but this is what it turned out to be. The formatting is funny on the blog but at least the idea is out there.

ROCK BOTTOM
by me...

INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY
HENRY in his late twenties with a scruff, carries boxes into his classic New York apartment with wood floors and high ceilings. A love seat faces the boxes next to a small couch.
He looks exhausted as he brings box by box into the room. His snowboard leans against his guitar case. Pots and pans sit in a pile under some art.
He finishes with a long exhale and stairs at the pile he’s created in his living room.
He thumbs his ring after a long contemplation then walks into his room.

INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - EVENING
Henry walks in to his apartment and takes off his jacket. As he throws his keys into the jar his eyes catch the pile. He slowly takes off his shoes as sorrow fills his expression.
Thumbing his ring he steps forward and begins to look through the boxes.
He stops and freezes then begins to sniff. Ravaging the boxes he finally finds a rock sweat band. He holds it to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

EXT. PARK - DAY
Wendy a beautiful free spirt, laughs as she dances around in the grass. Her eyes close as she embraces the sunlight with her arms wide open.

INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - EVENING
Henrys eyes are full of tears as he stands up and throws the sweat band in the trash. He takes off his tie and throws his bedroom door shut.
A brief pause and the door opens. He holds the tie around his neck and stairs at the trash. Slowly he walks over and takes the sweat band out of the trash and smells it again.

EXT. PARK - DAY
Wendy slows her dance and to look directly into the camera to blows a kiss. On her wrist is the sweat band.

INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - EVENING
Henry puts the sweat band on and goes to bed.

INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - NIGHT
Henry stumbles in with a beer in his hand. He kicks his shoes off then throws his keys somewhere in his kitchen.
He clicks on the lamp next to the couch and plops down on the love seat facing the pile. He takes a sip of his beer and stares into the impossible pile as he thumbs his ring. After a pause he starts looking through the boxes again.
He opens pots and pans and tries to put them away. He hangs up the art that he has and slowly gets through the boxes.
He finally opens a shoe box that is full of pictures. He begins to cry as he holds up a black and white strip of pictures.

INT. PHOTO BOOTH - DAY
Henry and Wendy sit laughing in a photo booth at Disneyland. She wears Micky Mouse ears and he has on sun glasses. They smile as a flash happens. They make funny faces as another flash hits. Taking off his sun glasses they make eye contact.
He looks into her eyes and she gives him a shy smile and another flash hits.
They lean in and passionately kiss. She puts her hand up to his face and another flash hits.

INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - NIGHT
Henry drops the shoe box and holds the picture of them kissing. He slowly puts his hand up to his face where her hand once was.
As he stares into the picture he begins to cry. Dropping to his knees he slumps against the couch to sob.
He pulls the picture up to his lips and kisses it through his tears.
For a moment he lays down to the floor still sobbing. He holds the sweat band on his wrist to his face and tries to gain composure.

EXT. PARK - DAY
A flash of Wendy looking deeply into the camera with a hint of a smile.

INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - NIGHT
Henry breathes deep then wipes his tears. He rushes his fingers through his hair with another long exhale when there’s a knock at the door.
He hesitates. Wiping his face again he stands up and cautiously walks to the door.
Opening it he sees Wendy. Her make up is all over her face and she stands with a single rose in her hand.
Henry looks at her and tears begin to flow. He puts his head down and squeezes the picture. Looking at his hand gripping the picture she holds the rose out with a whimper. She starts crying too.
Looking up he sees her try to smile through her tears. Breaking a smile he picks her up and kisses her with every passion he has left in his body. She begins to laugh through her tears and so does he. They keep kissing as they enter his apartment and shut the door behind them.
The end

No this isn't about the Wendy above - I just needed a name for her and Wendy is the choice for tonight... K I'm going to bed. My body just gave me the go to do so.

Time to sleep

2010-03-24T22:43:00.001-07:00

I decided to listen to my body.
After laying in bed every night wide awake, I decided to just not sleep.
Not try to keep myself up, but listen to when my body tells me to go to bed.
It's been 36 hours since I got up from the last time I slept and I'm just about there.
Still awake in the mind but the body is starting to slow down.

I just hung out with Link at his place and edited my script.
Got through 75 pages in the night.
I'm basically rewriting it because I have it finished but I want to give it my voice. Because thats what it is.
I want to be able to really have an audience feel what I'm asking them to.

White flag is up. I think its finally time to sleep.

Blast from the past?

2010-03-22T23:52:00.000-07:00

Saw Gwen.

...
..
.

She's beautiful.

All the times I've gone over that conversation I always wanted to say. I avoided it.
I was super high and pulling up to Walmart when I saw my old car.
Told Link that it was the car if it pulled into the IHOP because she and I are known for the late night pancake trips.
No, it followed us to Walmart and I saw her inside pull up and park.
Out walks her and a kid I've only hung out with when I go for my late night pancake runs.
See him almost every time I get coffee.
I don't think he knows the connection.
I haven't told him.

I knew if he saw me he would come talk to me.
He always does.
We would introduce each other.
She would see me and Link.
We would chat about the next time I see him at the coffee shop I always go to.

My mind raced away.
Get home as fast as you can.
Drink your vodka.
Fall asleep.
Rinse and repeat.

No.

Stand tall.
Gather your thoughts.
Breathe.

Stand outside your car.
Light up a cigarette.
Breathe.

Relax.
Think happy thoughts.
Breathe.

I believe in fairies.
Why am I so high right now?
Breathe.

She didn't see me.
We didn't talk.
Breathe.

Keep smoking.
Let your muscles relax.
Breathe.

Feel the blood coursing through your veins.
Listen to Vincent Price in your head.
Breathe.

Glance down to the distance you still stand between you and the rock bottom you've been climbing from for the past six months.
Smile.
Breathe.

Go home.
Write about this.
Breathe.

New memories to old songs right?

Under a mans most extreme circumstances his decisions will show his true character.
Looks like I have some work to do.

Start of the week

2010-03-22T01:40:00.000-07:00

Saw Repo Men with Noah today. Just took a really easy Sunday and relaxed.
Finished some over do homework and just listened to the world.

Made up a Hallmark card... "Making new memories to old songs".... have a picture of an old couple on a swing set.... gonna make millions...

Chicken scratch found in my pockets on notes to help me remind myself to write this down when I'm not high - lets hear...

I've always wanted to be hated by someone. To hate some one is to give them power they don't deserve. With the power of thought we make our own worst enemies in our minds.
Stalkers are flattering. Thinking about the past only gives it power.
How are all the people who are Wild Children have a bit of cunningness to themselves? Hippies fought against the bars of the system, we change from within. The last evolution didn't work out. Look at the people who are Wild Childs - they have a voice and they don't take no for an answer. Most of the time they are manipulative and outgoing. Our stoner forefathers were not. We Children of the Wild need to break the bounds of the corruption around us and make a better life for our children to live, and their children to break.
Get this tattooed this summer...
k never mind I can't find a picture but its the silhouette of the Wolf from Fantastic Mr. Fox saluting...

I'm thinking of a new plot line but it completely contradicts the thought process of another script I'm writing. I've always wanted to show how killing really damages the soul and so the old script is about an 18 year old gets ripped to shreds by death and ends up like a POW solider and goes crazy - The script I'm coming up glorifies the killing and brings an art to taking someones life. One is hollywood and one is real life. We will see how I torment myself through this this summer...

that is all

Late night return to reality

2010-03-21T03:40:00.001-07:00

Gave myself a pep talk today.

Looked at myself and just surveyed me as if I had just met me on the street. Hair that looks like orange straw all over the place just like Roark. A leather jacket with a black hood underneath and a dark green shirt on underneath. A raggedy ripped up belt with a pirate belt logo on the side. Jeans that are tattered and red converse to hold me steady on the ground. Tattoo that doesn't show under his sleeve but eyes that tell the stories behind them.
My face is gaunt as I lean into the mirror inspecting this new found foe and his wanna be 5 o clock shadow. What is he trying to say? What is he really thinking?

I've decided to come to grips with me. I'm ok being me. I'm not the man I was trying to be for so long. I am who I am and thats ok.

haha Practice what I preach right?

This is where I will use my inspiration folder to help me slowly but surely become the man I want to be and embrace the man that I am right now.

Also just thought I'd throw out the fact that I am in love with Hayley Williams from Paramore and this video made me want to stalk her...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axV5C713Wpo

Honestly this is what I want in a girl. Someone who can be a goof around me and still be gorgeous doing it. I love the punk hair and I'm a sucker for the right tattoos and piercings. I want someone to smoke weed with. (I honestly think if I was doing drugs while married I would have had another two years... haha so maybe a good thing I waited til after...)
I want someone who is willing to go on adventures with me and has some of her own. I want a person who wants to try everything and has faith in the world when I don't. I've always thought about my wife being there with me in battle. Not behind me but side by side. Someone I would follow. Someone I could trust fully. A roadtripper, music lover, foxy bad ass punk but with an upper class history type of girl... not too hard to find right???

End of the week

2010-03-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

I've had a theory about money that I think one day I'm going to get published. It's called the Fish Bowl.
You see Gold Fish grow to the size of their bowls. You put them into a small bowl that sits alone on the kitchen counter and they will never ever get bigger, or meaner or fatter. They will sit and stay in the same size.
If you put a small gold fish into a pool. He will grow and become a fish the size of a dog. He will swim farther than he could have before and he will eat more than he did before.
Think about the times where you've heard of people coming up for "Ransom" for a missing child in a kidnapping. You have kidnappers asking for 1,000,000 in 72 hours. People find a way and they do it. They ask around, even though they have merely hours at their finger tips, they find a way to do it. Yes they will be in debt to many people and Yes there are consequences to major actions but the fact of the matter is... You can make one million dollars in three days.
My ex and I tried this the winter of 2008. We were living in a small house (about 500 square feet) about 7 miles outside of where we wanted to be. I commuted to work and so did she. Luckily enough her sister was in rehab at the time and I was driving her car. We had a budget and we made our ends meet. No room for anything more because I was working my max hours at my job.
After driving this Mazda 3 from 2007 we decided that we didn't want to drive a broken Volvo wagon anymore. Looking around the house that we could take 3 steps and be in whatever room we wanted to be we decided we wanted a nicer place. Thank God for Ikea because that house would have been impossible otherwise. She had a full Concert Grand Harp sitting in our living room/dining room area and we made it work by making everything vertical.
We took the leap into the unknown.
We didn't have the money we needed to get a new car but we started to try. With in two weeks we were living in a 1200 square foot duplex with wood floors and a perfect sound for her harp. About 200 more a month in bills. It was with in biking distance to my work. By a month we had a a new car. I quit my job when we moved into the new house and started waiting tables. I was getting promoted at a call center that dealt with fixing peoples computers, internet and entertainment centers and I was going absolutely crazy.
I needed to be more outgoing. I needed to be in contact with people. How cliché it was for me to be a student waiting tables but I made it happen.
Bills were paid, hours were worked and we finally had a place we could call home. I was able to get an engagement ring that we previously had designed but never found the money for it.
The problem was that we never looked.
I don't know where I heard this (most likely a movie) but there was a woman who always wanted to be a bar tender. She always wanted to be the crazy girl mixing drinks but never did it. Never followed that passion. She asked her father and his reply was "Your chances go up when you apply...".
I made decent money that year. More than my dad did while I was growing up.

As of one hour ago I had 25 cents in both of my bank accounts combined. I needed gas because my fuel light came on. I needed money because my pocket was empty. So I went to the gas station and bought tons of soda, candy and cigarettes and filled my tank. Got 20 bucks back and now I can start again. hahaha its sad but I will probably make a profit from this.
What do stoner friends want but can never get? They always find a luxury of their booz or their drugs but they never have money for cigarettes or soda. Yes I'm going to try to sell them - hahahahahahahahahahaha
Things sound better and more profitable late at night...
My friend Link (best friend for a very long time who has been my Jedi Master when it comes to the drug and bachelor life) is going to pay me back with in the next week. I loaned him 1200 to get onto his feet. I talked to him about it and we agreed that it would be better for him to be in debt to me then in debt to a bank right now. I told him that if he didn't pay me back by April 15th I will shave his head and he will wear the mark of a debtor. His long blonde curly hair will be gone. All 3 years its taken to grow out will be in a jar on my counter, waiting as ransom for him to pay me back.
If a bank gets robbed April 14th, you'll know why.

I watched the movie Into The Wild tonight. Absolutely loved it. We joked after how I will be taking my trip to the wild this summer.... just don't eat any wild plants right???
No I loved the thought of it. I didn't like how he kept his distance away from the people around him but I liked that he didn't need the American world to change his ways. He lived with the passion he dreamt of in college. I like that. Plus I'm in love with Kristen Stewart. Probably the only reason I watch the Twilight movies. She isn't the best actress but she is so foxy and so freaking beautiful! Just don't let her talk...

I'm keeping my head up. I want to become something great. I don't want to wait and let greatness be thrust upon me. If anything my passion does that already. I need to embrace the world around me. I need to embrace my age. Stop fearing death and believe that today will be something great on its own. I never thought I was afraid of death but I think its true.
I know when I fear death is when I feel like I lost her all over again. When I don't think that I will feel that warmth around me again. Thats when the other side scares me. When I can acknowledge that there are around 7-8 billion people on this planet and maybe 1-5 of them will make me happy, I feel better.

It's funny the times that I will talk about her to my friends and they watch and hear how I call her Gwen when it's a happy memory and My Ex when it's something that pisses me off. hahahaha The sad thing is, she kinda was a Dr. Jekl and Mr. Hide.... but a chick... who was gorgeous.

He best friend growing up with was Marilyn. Link and Marilyn have a tragic love story where they, how desperately and silently in love they are, never get to see each other. She goes to school in Missouri and he goes to school here for free. She is from an Upper Class family and he was from the Lower. Romeo and Juliet if you ask me. They date other people when they aren't in the same state but are all over each other any chance they get. The funny thing is, is that Marilyn spends more time with us than she does with Gwen. I see this and my hope is rekindled.

Last night Noah had a break down. The place he is living is basically kicking him out with the dog or making his dog leave. It's sad because the man has moved around so much growing up and as an adult that his only friend has been his dog. He hides it well but last night had a break down while he was drunk.

It's funny how love is. Where we find it. When we feel it. How we understand it.

He asked if I knew what he was talking about until he opened his eyes and staring back were Lucy and myself. Two people who just lost our spouses, our soul mates, our best friends. We nodded and he cried more. I love that man and he knows it. We took his dog out for a long walk today and just embraced the moments that we could have both with the dog and with each other. Really soaked in the world around us and vowed never to forget the little moments.

I'm having a hard time going to film school on the east this fall. If I go to Columbia or one of the ones I liked in NYC,I will grow by myself. Alone in a city of millions. If I go to AFI or one of the ones I like in LA I will be closer to my friends and family. I will get more chances to see them. If that movie tonight taught me anything its that happiness is best spent shared. I can grow to become something great and still be alone. I'd rather grow with the people I love, but I have to get out of this city :)

I usually can see myself and where I will be six months in advance. I constantly make pros and cons lists in my head so that if the question ever arises I know my answer. I see something this summer changing my direction of where I have been planning. Happened to me last year when I got the divorce. Knew of everything until August 28th, which was when I truly took my mask off and made note of it.

Where I've been only has made me who I am today. I am me because of this shit. I don't regret anything. I can't. I'm too happy with who I am to change that. I want to change my circumstances but who I am inside this body I'm pretty happy with.
I guess that's a bold statement.

Friday Night

2010-03-19T23:53:00.000-07:00

I have a hard time wanting to go to sleep. I don't like sleeping alone and I don't like waking up alone.
I hate sleep for this very fact. I don't like that I can't be ok with going home and sleeping.
I feel like to some degree I'm missing out on the world around me.
But the thing about sleep is that I love it so much. I always over sleep because I love the feel of the covers as I try to wake up. I love dreams.
Some times I get too caught up in my dream and I believe it's real. I wake up and question my reality because I was so engulfed in my dreams.
I being a poor man have only my dreams. I lay my dreams at your feet. Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
I wish I could hibernate again. I did at my moms. I could just sleep in as long as I wanted.
That might happen in Alaska if my schedule is right.
I've always wanted to take off the winter months and just sleep like a bear. Some day I will. Some day I will have tons of money and just sleep through four months of my life.
Thats not a bad coma if you ask me...

A moment of clarity

2010-03-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

As I sat embracing the sounds of the wind rush by my ears I enjoyed a stick of death on the side of the empty dark road. I leaned back onto my hands and mesmerized at the stars. Thinking about looking at yourself in a third person view is amazing. Look at yourself from a light pole, then imagine your distance from you and the cloud above you. It's crazy to think how small the world really is.

I like to get to the point where I question my reality. I think to myself and I wonder if this is real or if I'm a subconscious that can chose my body and story line I want to follow. I think about the people around me and wonder whats happening in their lives. I look at them and the eyes they look back in have seen a much different world than I have. It's amazing to look around you and embrace that we are all in struggles and its the little decisions we make at our worst moments that truly make us noble.

I bleached my hair to make it more like straw and also to get it off the black that it was. One the process of finishing the bleach my hair looked like that of a lion. All shades of blonde and brown mixed in. So I kept it :) With how orange it is I feel that I'm Howard Roark!

Been struggling with a deep sense of grief. A real mourning period. Probably the most adult feeling I've ever felt. I don't know why but the last few days have been crazy. Everything is coming back to some degree. For instance I had a friend spray the only perfume Gwen wore. It's a scent I've been able to pick up a mile away. Had to deal with it and all the memories that came floating into my nostrils.

Haha it would've been nicer if she wasn't around... kind of a terrible thing to say I know but it would be easier... hahahahahaha

Acknowledging that we are accountable for ourselves and can't do whats easy is one of the hardest points of a mans life. I've purposefully not gotten a job and lived off student loans the past couple of months has been awesome but at the same time I have no money. "How do you afford your rock n roll lifestyle" Cake whispers into my ear...

Munchies just kicked in and I molested my fridge...

Decided to watch something motivating...
300...
Nothing like men killing men with Jesus's abs...hahaha awkward...

I know I sound pretty Emo. I'm ok with that. I'm recording a history and once its on paper its out of my head. It's nice to have this to look back to. I write as if I write to you but YOU don't exist. So its a trick on my mind to have the easier audience. Nothing like a good AA meeting to remind you of how much you love spilling your guts to ears and faces you will never see again. Although I always hated shaking hands at SA. You know what those people have been up to and you KNOW where those hands have been.

I'd like to be at the beach. I'm kinda done with my surroundings. I don't want to be in school or doing what I'm doing. I want to be somewhere else getting my mind off of my world. I want to be more.

I read this and I wonder how desperate I will look when I'm 30 and I read this again. Will I feel that I was freaking out over nothing? Or will I look and remember how if not then it would have never happened.

To some degree I feel when I'm high that the world really doesn't matter. Whats to stop me from being another spot of light in a distant place? When I think about outside our world I lose my passion to do anything. What will it matter? We come in contact with maybe 10 thousand people and remember handfuls. What is a simple blog going to do for the world? Nothing. My energy and enthusiasm will go farther than the words ever will. My actions upon these words is what is going to make these words ring true. Otherwise they are scribbles down in cyberspace. I believe I have a farther purpose. I hope to one day make a movie to bring change.

Had an idea.
I believe that I am part of a generation of people called Wild Children. We are the doers. We don't like to learn from the people around us. We have more than enough ambition and passion and we want results. We want change. We don't like the conformities around us. We learn from our mistakes. A group of leaders. People who are influences whether they want to believe in it or not. I'm going to get WILD CHILD tattooed on my calves.
Along these lines I started thinking that maybe its part of our existence as Humans. Look at the forefathers of America- They wanted change and that generation made change happen. We look at the hippies in the 60's - they wanted change and made public efforts on it. Our parents and dropped that and taught us not to follow in their footsteps. Personally I don't believe in the end of the world by earth quakes or zombies (how bad ass would that be?!) I do think that America is undergoing some change and I see the country splitting. I don't know why but I see myself living in a man vs man situation for a while.

Although we may be a meaningless pin prick of light in the distance, we might as well make the best of it.

A late St. Patricks

2010-03-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

What do you think of when you think of March 17th? Obviously the beer but what else? Yes oh yes - Drunken Boxing.
After 6 shots I busted out the gloves and there we were like men of the wild... beating each other senselessly.
After 14 shots and a kidney punch that knocked the wind out of me I was throwing up in the bushes... like a champ!
At one point we broke around fifty glow sticks and covered the room so it looked like space. Yes I toked up because thats what you are suppose to do! hahaha

Had a lot of self exploration yesterday. Went and read in the forest with Noah. He's reading Angels and Demons for the first time and I am reading The Fountainhead again. Thats the motivation I need each day. Books like that where you get half way through and don't want it to be over. Books where you saver the words for every last inch. I hope to one day accomplish something like that.

I find that my lifestyle of moving every 4 months is affecting more than just myself. I see as I long to be with my friends and my family. My sister Mirian needs my support but I'm somewhat selfish as to figuring out myself. I find that I am secluding most people in my life. Trip to Alaska? yeah thats to get me alone. I need to figure out who the hell I've been hanging out with every day and every night. I feel to some degree that I don't have much to offer if I don't have my passion inside myself. We all of a certain passion to us that keeps us connected with the people around us.

Jude needs me to roommate with him but since I'm broke I might have to move out. It has nothing to do with him, its just I have another friend who is offering her couch for 100 bucks. I can save that money and get what I need in my life. My stability starts when I have a reliable transportation. Thats my home right there. In the drivers seat of a running working car. Next is my connection to my writing and the people around me. Thats why I got this laptop next. I needed somewhere to store my thoughts and talk to people from a good safe distance.
Its funny to watch our priorities on paper. I spend more on cigarettes and weed than I do on food. Gas would come next which blows my mind. I miss just taking the subway where I needed to go.
For that fact I'm posting a picture I took from my phone.

When I first got to New York I didn't really believe it until I saw the Brooklyn Bridge. Something about the architecture and the placement against the roaring city gets me every time. Whenever I go there I sit at the benches on the Manhattan side and look across to Brooklyn. I sit for at least 30 minutes just soaking in the scene. I've started doing a Video Journal and I'm so glad I keep my laptop with me at all times. I get to just watch the relaxing moments I've had and it makes me so happy!

Maybe I'm afraid of death or maybe I just want to leave a legacy but where technology is for us today, - Our grand children will see our every moves. They will find back up files of you getting high with your friends around a camp fire. I think a video journal really captivates the moment you were feeling when you wrote it. You can see your facial expressions and hear your voice. You can see the days you were super sick or super tired and didn't want to not write. That kind of exposure blows my mind.

I have this week off and I seem to be handling myself the same exact way I would if I didn't. Except now I feel like its some what of a getaway but I'm doing nothing different.

The other night after some crazy pow wows I went out side to drive and get soda. It had been snowing for quite a while by the time I came out and I just so happened to be listening to the Nightmare Revisited sound track on the Flyleafs version of Jack Skeletington singing "Whats This?".
Whats this? Whats this? Theres white things in the air?... hahha totally tripped me out.
I then drove by my old high school later that day where they are doing construction. I had some dramatic symphonic music playing and it looked they they were not building but cleaning up the wreckage to a building that had just been in an explosion. So crazy! Sooooo crazy!

I realize that I need stability in a relationship again. The thought of filling the gap I have scares the hell out of me. I keep reminding myself that "its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". Asked Noah how long he grieved after his recent break up of 2 months. He said about a month. Half the time???? That means I have three years to deal with! DAMN! hahahaha

Because of the divorce I am in major credit card debt. My phone rings maybe 4 times a day and I just hang it up. Every one knows its Chase (the bank) calling to check up on me. They dropped my debt in half and I think I might take it. Personally I would like to get more loans and then just declare bankruptcy but my friends tell me otherwise...
Have a text message tone of Michael saying "THATS WHAT SHE SAID!". Comes in handy at the weirdest times. We'll be talking and it will go off perfectly!

I guess today I have a better feeling of loyalty to the people around me. I look at them and out of all of the people they would want to hang out with they chose me. I don't want to take that for granted. It's time like these that make me want to work harder so I don't become a burden to the people around me. God I love weed.

march 15th and half

2010-03-16T02:59:00.000-07:00

I found myself high as a kite all day. Today was the 3 months of being divorced, that means 7 months since my separation.
Time has flown by.

Although today went quite slow.
Went to class and turned in my script to a teacher I loath.
This is a man who is head of the Theater Department at my school. This is a man who has a Christmas show where he plays every single one of the characters! So snobby and so rude and hates people like him. I see him and I don't ask for his help nor to I acknowledge of his useless accomplishments. Maybe because when I took an intro to theater class, I wrote a ten minute dark comedy and he failed me. Told me he didn't have enough A's in the class! It was so cool they actually performed it but since I didn't suck up to him I got screwed.
There's nothing he can do to stop me from writing and if I have to Not thank him at the Academy Awards I will!

Since my Liberation period I have been looking for what I want in my life. I took everything that reminded me of her and put it in a shoe box that I burned that night. I labeled it "Six years, four cigarettes and a bottle of acetone later". I made a 12 page picture album of all my favorite pictures of her and things that reminded me of her and I kept that away so later I will have it. Seeing how I'm a photographer I had tons and TONS of pictures of her since she was my main model. I burned a sixty dollar tie and forty dollar wallet with it. I was furious! I still have tons more to throw away but for one night I felt whole again.

After this move I've decided to make another goal setting. First one was to get to NYC by the spring but for next summer I want to plan a big trip. After Lucy and I had been pretty high on the "Stoned meter (Blazed, Pretty High, High, Stoned, Bonzo) we decided that next summer we were going to go to Europe and just backpack Europe. I want to save and do it and no matter where I am in my schooling I need to do it.
You never hear anyone go to Europe and wish they hadn't.

So after living the high life being married I now live again as a bachelor. I went from having a New York flat last summer to a college dorm. No wood floors, no floor to celling windows on the 28th floor. Now I sit in a shared room with a mini fridge thats always messy. No steak or chicken in the fridge. We have Ramen and Mountain Dew! I went from living a life where my nice posters were framed and had little lights to make them look cool to collages of pictures with posters on the wall. Instead of sitting down to a planned Taco Night with nice furniture and silver dishware, you sit with Taco Bell and chocolate milk in the only cup you own!
My brother in law told me once - The bachelor life you see everyone hoping for is not lived by the bachelors themselves but by the divorced guys who've lived the real high life. For instance my flat screen is what helps give the room some class. Not a thrift store or garage sale tv.
I share a room with Jude, my best friend since I was 8 years old. We are more like brothers than friends. We love to hate each other. He is super religious and conservative and I am not. He is the sun and I am the moon. I see him less now that I'm moved in with him because I hate being home! He tries to hang out with me but he honestly bores me. Its sad because of I love him and I moved in to help him with the rent but still. I guess its better than living with my mom. Holy shit. I moved out when I was 17 for a reason! I always hated the thought of moving back in with her but after last fall I had to. Once I made enough money and had a car I was out of there! Gwen had the car, laptop and house... yeah she had the attorney too! Which I did ask to have weekend and holiday custody with her cat Gus Gus. She shit a brick when the attorney told her and I cried I was laughing so hard!

I've noticed that the way I treat women is very different from the single guys I hang out with. I know of a love that can only be found when you dive in. I know how to look at a woman to communicate what I want from her. I kiss like a lover and I make moves like a lover. Its way above the world around me but it's all I know. I don't want to give any less - that seems inhumane.

Went into Walmart today in hopes to get toilet paper and ended up with Mountain Dew, Chocolate Milk, Cheeto Puffs, and Ice Cream. Thank God for the munchies!

You can never look proud buying toilet paper. People see you walking with it and they know what you are going to be up to. You can't run with it either because that only adds to the mess when they see you charging the doors with a twelve pack of toilet paper over your shoulder. Thats why I usually buy it with eggs. Then I just look mischievous.

I've noticed that when I was younger my time felt like it went by so much slower and I think I figured out why. When I'm high the world slows down because I am trying to process a shit ton of information. All my senses are at a peak. Maybe when we were little our senses were peaked and thats why time felt so slow and summer felt so long. Have we just become more goal oriented that we have lost sight of the world around us? Not looking up from the sidewalk?
Sounds about right.

I used to think that when someone turned to weed after a bad experience that they were just running from their problems. Every time I get high its as if I can have a conversation with 4 of me. Its group therapy. I have had to look problems in the eye and really work through them.
When I get high Vincent Price speaks to me in a calm voice. I once had food poisoning while I was high and I kept throwing up in a drug house toilet. I was tripping balls thinking I was a fire breathing dragon that was protecting my village who lived in the pile of dirty towels in the corner by the shower and for some reason I had to keep attacking the village in the toilet. I was literally tripping balls when a voice came to me. Deep and dark he spoke the truth
"Right now you are experiencing a hallucinogenic drug and experiencing a bit of toxins in your body. Let yourself throw up and you will soon feel better." "Alright!" I said with a wave of my hand has I leaned on the almost orange colored toilet. When he spoke I saw our pathetic I looked on that bathroom floor - same one I was rapped by a Milf on. But then I would flash back into my dragon mode. All my friends were worried about me but I was having the time of my life! I kicked that toilets ass!

Tomorrow is the beginning of my spring break. I wonder what we will do? Maybe trip to Cali? That would be nice :)

3.141592

2010-03-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

I miss falling asleep with someone.
There's nothing like waking up to find someone there. There's also nothing like waking up alone.
I find that after having the real deal its hard to try and replace that. You try to replace it with the false reality to love that fucking is. You find yourself bored because your just humping away until she's collapsed on the side of whatever you were ramming her against. Wheres the passion? Wheres that moment of clarity? It's a cigarette to the Topless Sunrise you've been smoking for weeks.
Six months and I've treated it like a death in my life. Which in some cases it is but she still can haunt you.
I saw her sister today and anticipated her to follow me to see if I was doing drugs... which I was... It's about time I see one of them in this city. It's been nice to not worry about them though. I've kinda always hated them :)
After a great slice of pizza to calm the munchies I've decided that I'd give anyone a second chance. Give them a couple years to change then try them on for size.
My dad last fall had a heart attack that put him in the hospital. My sister and I were the only ones out of his whole family that went down to see him. My grandpa told my sister "It would be for the best if he did die". Going down to pull the plug we caught him in mid stride. No chance to clean up his house and we had all the access we needed. Hacked into his computer while she searched the house. Yeah still a freakin weirdo. I never spoke to him while he was conscious so that I could keep my time away from him. I decided in five years I might give him a call and ask him to smoke a bowl with me. Depending on his answer I might actually go through with it. I figure I changed in the six years I was with Gwen, everyone has the choice to change their life.

On my desk top I made a folder I call inspiration. Has pictures of what I want to be like and the caliber of women that I would want to be with. If you think about something long enough the law of attraction will bring it to you. I put pictures of the apartments I want and the cars that I want. I have pictures of the kind of men I will be like and the type of body I will get. As clearly put in "Cloudy with a chance of meatballs" "MOTIVATING!"

I'm fresh in the world again.
Everything is so new to me. Music and food all have more to choose from.
Jesus said "Be like unto a child". He really meant "Lights get high" as he put on his shades.

Went and bought drugs today from a kid I used to hang out with back in Jr. High. You always run into those problems of edict when it comes to dealing with a drug dealer. Is this a hand shake guy? Maybe a slap and a rock? A hug? You have to assess this situation. Depending on how things pan out you always have to smoke your dealer out with the Topless Sunrise you get from him. At least offer. It's better than giving them a tip because the last thing they want to see themselves as is a waiter.
Are you really friends with your dealer? Would you call them with exciting news? Everyone is different but once you deal with someone there's always a linger of something that smelt bad.

So this post was written through out my Sunday. I'd have an idea and put it in - I'll see if this actually makes sense tomorrow.

March 13th

2010-03-13T22:31:00.000-08:00

This last week I was able to finish the editing I needed to do on my second script. I put in a third draft and I am more than happy with it. It seems that when I get high I look at the world from another perspective. Helped cure a lot of my writers block.
Today I woke up at my wing man's apartment. This is Noah.
I love this kid more than life itself! He is a man who never gives into peer pressure and does what he wants. The thing I like about him is there is no mask. He's real as a real gets.
A couple of weeks ago he cut his shoulder length hair into a mullet. He's always talked about buying an El Camino and living the life of a white trash guy. With hopes like that you will never be let down! He's studying to be a high school teacher and I personally think that with the dark sarcasm he has, he will be the best god damn teacher ever!
For some reason he and I always get into the craziest situations with women. When I was making out with the twins, he was making out with their aunt. Thats pretty much amazing. You have to admit. Don't look down and think I'm a scum bag for it because if you saw these foxy women you would think otherwise! haha now I have you thinking!
Today I got high from the moment I woke up and I will until I go to bed. It was amazing because I was hanging out with my first love and ex girlfriend Lucy. We saw the morning which felt like summer slowly change into the winter cold with three inches of snow covering everything.
Lucy right now is in mid way with a divorce too. She cheated on her husband and owned up to it. Making the best of her circumstances she's really doing well with it. We've tried to see if our spark was still there but she is so much more of a sister to me now than she was before.
All we do is get high and contemplate the world. Talk about our hopes and dreams. We enjoy the little things in life, like snow falling for instance. Walking out into a dark lit street that is covered in snow. Each branch on the tree is covered and sparkling and just living in that moment.
Both of us need the best friend of the opposite sex that we had for so long. I miss Gwen as a friend. Someone I was always texting and laughing with. Someone who I'd go to the movies with and just have a good time. Lucy is the closest fit that I have to that right now.
It's funny because we are each others only people we can trust of the opposite sex. We know the other one won't try anything and in turn it makes it easy to let your guard down and just be you.
I've seen Eve a couple of times since. We've just smoked and listened to Beethoven and Mozart full blast. You could do anything to that music and it would be beautiful. Robbing a bank. Attacking a mail man. Anything!
I'm growing my hair out until I get back from Alaska.
In the past I've had tendencies to look like Edward Scissor Hands. Hoping to get to that point this fall.
I've stopped dressing up to go out. I don't want to attract women right now. I've had my row of mindless fucking and I'm looking to actually try love out again. Its been six months since we broke up.
My whole life I have always wanted to smoke cigarettes. I would crave them in stressful circumstances although no one in my family smoked. I told myself that if I started smoking I would put my first cigarette out on my arm. September 5th was when I started and the circle spot on my left forearm is there to prove it.
These dates I don't forget. They stay with me to remind me of the time its been.
For instance- its been 4 years this 27th since I have spoken to my dad in person. He had a mid life crisis when I was in high school and instead of getting a new car - new job - new house - He did it all. Said he was done with the life he had and went for the change. I hated him for it because of the manipulation he showed me growing up. This was a man who had a masters degree in both psychology and marriage counseling. Each step of the way was plotted and preconceived.
I grew up in poverty on welfare because of his pain pill addiction and his lack of will to get a job for longer than a year. I moved 12 times before I graduated high school.
Since then I've moved every four months.
Everywhere I go I find a place and call it home though. Most of the time its my car. My car is the same wherever I go. I tend not to sleep in the same place through out the week. I crash on friends couches because I know that if I get attached to a place I will miss it, and that's the worst.
It's kinda crazy how I ramble when I'm high. Maybe someone should take the computer away with me and get my mind on something else. I'm gonna go read. Trying to finish The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand - amazing book that gives me hope for a better future and hope for the decisions I make in my life. Showing how crucial the little moments are in our lives.

March 12th and a half

2010-03-13T01:53:00.001-08:00

Went clubbing with my friends and I realized that I really hate trying to talk to girls at bars. It's amazing how all of our basic instincts boil down to a single glance and you think to yourself "Yeah I'd tap that" or "No I need more vodka...".

The guys I went with were all about hookin up. They brought me cause I really have no reserves when it comes to talking to random people. I think debate and door to door selling did that.

We meet a pretty brawd who's out for a smoke and what do my guys do? Just like every other dirt bag lookin for some change they say "Hey baby how you doin?".

(Of course there are some girls who will take the pick up line my friend and wing man uses "HEY!" with a loud short shout. Lets them know who's in control...)

Moral of this story you ask? Fuck bars, meet someone out of their element and find out who they really are and really get to know them.

The thing that I know is that I will find what I had again. Monogamy may be dead and in turn I realize that I will still put everything I've got into a relationship knowing that it will soon end. The greatest thing is that I will find another.

Speaking of which lets get a bit darker now.

Back in September after I separated from my wife I started on a downward spiral.

I hit rock bottom and I hit it hard. I had to drop my classes for the semester because I wasn't functioning. Became an insomniac and would just stay awake until the sunrise. Maybe get some sleep if I was lucky.

Personally I was under the belief that soul mates truly existed and thought I had lost the best thing going for me. I really thought that I would never love again. So here I am thinking - why go on?

Stupid stupid me I was on the route to suicide.

That's when I met Eve (for she was going to be the first of many). Her black hair made her blue eyes pop. Gorgeous lips too. Although she was shorter than I was from a far she looked to be six feet because of her long legs. She was the type of girl that had a direction and wasn't afraid to follow it. She was a political activist who really wanted to make the world a better place. Eve was taking a spanish class with me and was in a study group. After starting the study group I walked her to her car after class. I ended with telling her that I was married and that I was looking for only a study group.

Yes I thought she was gorgeous and foxy but that really was all that I was looking for.

Study groups turned into hanging out and soon to my surprise I was talking to her every day. She knew everything and still took me for who I was.

On my birthday in September, Gwen (my ex) called divorce. Yes in front of all my friends house (The Bat Cave) she yelled at me and told me it was over. I wanted it to be over. I fell out of love with her on Valentines earlier that year but I still thought she was my soul mate. Still thought she was all I could have.

October came in and suicide crept up my spine until it consumed me.

I decided on the night of October 6th that the next night was my last. That day I would live to it's fullest and give my goodbyes in such a subtle way that they would only pick up on it after its too late.

That night Eve called me and asked to come over.

I kissed her that night and had an epiphany. Did I find it again? Did I feel the spark that I haven't really felt in years?

Yes I did.

I felt terrible about it at the same time. I was still a married man! We knew it was going no where but couldn't help meeting up through out October. That first love jitters were creeping in and they were amazing!

The question I asked myself when I told her that she could come over was this "In 5 years will I look back and regret this?" The answer came to me "You would regret not doing it when you had the chance!".

So then and there it was decided. I let her make all the first moves, so not to push but once we started, I gave in.

Not only was Eve one of the coolest people I have ever talked to and also one of the most foxy women I've ever met - I still crush on her from time to time! Maybe in years to come we will have something. I see her every now and then but we live in two very different worlds.

See when I got to know her it was through a mutual outbounds. I mean its school! We talked about how she was in a punk band and always had guys trying to hit on her at shows but never had to tell anyone that she was a punk rock singer! I come around and get to know her for who she is and then find out what the world sees.

I hope that the next girl I really fall for happens like this. Getting to know the her she's always wanted to show but can't because of the mask the world (or herself) gives her.

Speaking of the masks - the mask is what you wear at church when you want everyone in the world to know how perfect your life is and how you don't stress about money or the future but how you live so happily.

My divorce started when I took the mask that was put on me and the mask I wore off. I was suppose to be a well educated man with a large income but thats not me. I was the provider and the leader. I wore the mask of a man in business school when thats not what I am nor what I'm passionate about. I've always wanted to write and be a writer. I started writing when I started taking my mask off. Finished my first full length feature in November (started writing it in January of 09).

When I took my mask off and try to give Gwen what I really was, everything fell to pieces.

We took a business trip to New York the summer of 09. I gave her who I was and she hated it. I was unstable and unfitting. I was adolescent and daring. I also was compared to her father who died when she was 7. A man who never had faults because why would a mother tell her daughter the bad times and the hard times her father had?

That summer we lost 12k. I showed weakness.

After the massacre that Valentines day brought I turned to lust to take my mind off of her. Bad move on my part but that was the catalyst that started it all. Spent around 800 dollars on a weekend getaway to the place we stayed in the night of our wedding and the only thing she could remember was that I got the wrong Juicy Couture earrings. Got her the right ones the very next day but I guess that just stayed in her mind ten times longer than rest of it.

We separated Sept 3rd and she had an attorney by Sept 7th. Personally I separated from her for a night, one night because we got in the worst fight we've ever had. Didn't pack my things, just told her I would be back after school the next day. We fought again that next day so I changed my clothes and slept somewhere else again. I found out on facebook that my relationship status with her was no longer "Married" but "Complicated". I asked her about it and thats when she told me about the attorney. She called him up quick so I have my suspicions on what she was up to before then. I worked 10 hour days and was never home.

Funny thing how technology works.

Most of the fighting through the divorce was over texting and chat. Made it nice to say what I wanted to without seeing her cry. I hated when she cried. Made me want to destroy the world just to make her happy again.

"She had eyes of the bluest skies and if they thought of rain...I'd hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain." Sweet Child of Mine" By Guns and Roses

I hear that song now and I want to punch a baby.

I talk about this because I need to. Once it's on paper I can let it free from my mind because I know there is a copy somewhere.

I've learned something about myself from all the girl friends I've had. From Gwen?

Individuality.

She set me free by calling an attorney. Freedom was found and I could now make the choices I've always wanted to. By her wrath and scorn and childish behavior, she gave me a freedom no one could!

Part of that freedom came when I found out she was fucking a guy I knew in high school while we were married (separated). I still paid for the house for the entire time she was living there while she got screwed on a constant basis.

I no longer feel to bad about what happened with Eve. At least it was almost a month later and it was just kissing AND I felt horrible for it.

Filled my canteen by the way... I wrote this while I was high.

By the divorce date of December 15th I had already made out with two girls. By the second week in January I had fucked 4 women, made out with 11 girls (two of which were twins in the same night and their Aunt 2 months later).

My first Fuck after the explosion of my heart was to a girl raping him in the bathroom as I was drunk from my "Liberation party". (First thing I asked her when I woke up from passing out and seeing her riding me was "Are you done?". She climaxed and said "Yeah". I got my cash and prizes together and fell back asleep). The girl was also a MILF which counts one off the list of women to do.

I also made out with a married woman who also attempted to give me head. My first coherent fuck was to a girl who was Marla Singer in the flesh. Being Tyler Durton for so long to so many people I knew it was my duty to fuck this bitch although she scared the fuck out of me.

I also fucked a girl who possibly has cancer. Thats cool cause she's so cool.

I've had an attempted orgy with his right wing best man but couldn't get it up because I was so drunk which was an act of God telling me "NO! HERPES!" although there really was no herpes it was still in my best interest to not do it. Thank you Jesus.

On my adventures I got a tattoo, smoke cigarettes, weed, salvia (found the Death Star) and get drunk on a constant daily basis almost. As I crash and burn, I slowly find out my true identity.

This is why I've taken the job to work in Alaska this summer. I need to get away from people and figure out who I really am. I need time just to grow and be me. Write every day and read a lot. Take walks out in the wilderness and just meditate. All of the above has shown me what real happiness is not. But its fun as shit.

My mother started a conversation with me that started off "I'm worried about your Eternal Salvation". Thanks Mom! Bless her heart... if she only knew...

I'm pretty fucked up right now. Why do you think I keep a journal?

March 12th

2010-03-13T01:49:00.001-08:00

So I decided that it was best for me to change my blog to keep myself some what anonymous. I figured with the drug and sex references that will be put on here it's probably for the best that I remain that way...

Plus its easier to pour your heart out to a stranger right?

Airplane rides are the best because you can talk to the person you've always wanted to talk to someone because you know they might not ever see you again... EVER.

The single serving friend. Thank you Tyler Durton.

March 11th and a half

2010-03-13T01:48:00.000-08:00

Today has been a good day. Been high since an hour after I woke up. Been doing some editing on my script while I'm high and it helps me with the writers block I've had. I'm able to look at my problems from a different view.

I plan on keeping a better record of my life. I've started video journaling to see my emotions and see who I was twenty years from now. But something about writing has always gotten to me. I've been keeping a written journal for some time but then you always run into the problem of grabbing what flammable liquids you have just to torch the damn thing.

You get to a point where you dread to see the path you just came from and never want to see that journal. Nothing like finding your jr high years tucked in a box somewhere covered in dust. Seeing the world in the eyes of the helpless teenager is always classic.

As of December 15th of 2009 I am divorced. Its taken up until last week to finally let her go. I had to seriously ask myself if there was any possible way I would take her back. My answer was no. Hell no. Burnt every bridge there is between us and she would have to be someone she isn't! We have a history together and I miss having her as a best friend. But not as a wife.

I'm in a theory stage where I believe we as humans evolve. We find new love. We embrace is. We fight for it when we see it slipping. We watch it crumble through our finger tips. Then we learn from it and try again.

I think technology ruined monogamy.

Look at our grandfathers lives where he had no idea how great the world around him was. There was no opportunity for a better love. You had what you fell in love with when you were 25 and hopeful and now you are stuck with it. Communication is on the rise and we have only to find how small this world is.

I had a friend I met on myspace live in New Jersey. An awesome girl that got a random email from me calling her foxy while I was still a little bit drunk. We talked on facebook and the phone for a while with no real hope that we would meet.

After seeing the money I had in the bank and the open house for the film school I wanted to get in I decided to buy a plan ticket to New York for 3 days and 2 nights. Thats all I had the money for! No hotels or a place to stay just my drive.

I started talking to Jersey more after this and we decided to meet up when I got out there. Met her up at the Pennsylvania Bus station by Times Square and had a blast. Hanging out with her was just like hanging out with an old friend. No awkwardness or anything - just had a blast.

I slept at her house in Jersey that night cause she didn't want me to sleep in Grand Central Station. She had a boyfriend so no, to answer your question. We did not make the lovey love. She had a boyfriend but that didn't stop us from falling asleep together. Anyway after that night, with the four hours of sleep I actually got, I just stayed awake for the rest of the trip. Ended up collectively with like 5 hours of sleep.

BUT HEY don't get me off the wrong track here-

I was saying that just like that I made 2,225 miles turn into nothing and made a friendship happen. Distance is no longer an issue in the dating world.

I heard their building an underwater train that goes from New York to London in six hours. They say that people will live in one and work in the other because the easy travel. Think of the euro exchange rate if that happens. People could double their profits almost. Bet they'll have some ridiculous law against that. Lame.

Well I just want to get used to this writing and I have some more editing to do so I will leave you be good day and good night to you good man.